It's a big night out, you've got the girls over, the top 40 tunes blaring and you are gonna get some tonight guuuurl. Well, you hope so. It's been two months and you are desperate for some action. You've been painting on your face for the past half an hour and you've decided that it'll do. The two thirds of your friends that are not alone (romantically), are in no way whatsoever understanding of your severe desperation to end your very, very long dry spell. It's basically a fucking drought. To avoid yet again, another night of loneliness, here are some tips to ensure nightclub pulling success. You're so welcome in advance.
11) Don't Dress Like A Hoe.
Whilst dressing in the sluttiest manner possible will attract men from the offset, it's not going to attract the respectable, non-dickhead type of men you really want to attract, even if it is just a one night thing you're after. Cover them up Sally.
10) Geordie Shore Is Not Acceptable Hair Or Make-Up Inspiration.
Do Charlotte/ Holly/ Ms. Massive boobs have the kind of loving, stable relationships that give you life envy? If you answered yes to this, then I'd be utterly concerned because when you dress like it's Halloween every day, you're on a one way route to a life of cat lovin'.
9) Do Not Tell A Man That You're Desperate.
Oh yes, that's not a turn off whatsoever. Calm down and don't freak the shit out of the stranger that you're trying so hard to impress, because telling him that you're desperate is a desperately bad idea.
8) Don't Abandon Your Friends Straight Away. (Who Else Is Going To Ask, "Will you shift my friend?")
As much as you may want to ditch the girls and run off towards the muggy lights of the dancefloor, don't. If you actually appear to be having fun with actual friends, then you'll seem an awful lot more appealing than some creepy loner who quietly stalks around looking for prey. Feel free to ditch them when you get lucky though.
7) Don't Mention Previous Relationships.
Oh you're from Dublin, oh my ex was from Dublin. STOP.TALKING.NOW. What the hell do you think you're doing? You may as well just stick a giant HEARTBROKEN sticker on your head and cry while you're at it.
6) Don't Get Absolutely Shitfaced.
There is a very fine line between being pleasantly buzzed and being totally fucked. Crossing that line whilst on the hunt for man prey is a dangerous decision. What may seem like a harmless shot at the time, could spell the difference between getting the ride and getting sick on his shoes.
5) Don't Twerk Up Against Random Men.
Twerking is one of those things that seems like a fantastic idea at the time, the time being drunk time. When you're with your equally drunk and loose friends, then great, let loose. Don't think it's as good an idea when it involves some random and unimpressed babe whose aftershave you keep trying and failing to smell, because instead of looking sexy, you're going to look like Miley and nobody wants that.
4) Don't Mention The Future.
Number one way to ruin any chance of any action? Just talk about the future that you're already mentally building with the person you just met. You'll probably see smoke omitting from their shoes, they'll make such a speedy getaway and to him and his friends, you'll be a great laughing point. Don't say I didn't warn you.
3) Don't Abuse Those Who Reject You.
This is more of a mans thing to do but alas, some girls will defy life itself and do it too. Girl Power. So if you were to do it exactly as a man would, grab his arse, then when he angrily rejects you, tell him he's fuck ugly and you wouldn't touch him with a stick anyway. (Non) Success!
2) Don't Mention The Fact That You Live At Home.
So you haven't repulsed him so far, you go girl, this is an unexpected and proud moment for us all. Now, just that final push. Don't mention the fact that you live at home (oh girl, that's nasty)/ with crazies/ in a bunk bed. All of this is irrelevant information, because once you get him home he's trapped and he'll have to ride you to escape. Winning.
1) Don't Take 600 Seflies Whilst Alone.
Oh what could be more appealing to the eye, than the sight of a girl so drunk, that she's using the wall as a propping tool, whilst she takes photo after photo of her drunk self, looking drunk. Unless you want to be the only person in your photos for the rest of your life, then put the phone down now.