An ordeal that only a select few know of. Here, in no particular order, are the 13 woes and joys you'll experience when you get lenses.
1. Does it curl in? Does it bloody curl in!?
The last thing anyone wants it to put a lense on inside out so there's the obvious check beforehand to make sure, by squeezing the lens' sides together. But then you discover it won't curl in no matter which way you try it. What dreadful madness is this?
2. Gobshites constantly tell you 'I could never touch my eye'
No one's bloody asking you to!
3. Alcohol is the enemy of good lens care
Please consult this graph I have painstakingly put together.
5. Buying lens solution necessitates taking out a mortgage
'Hi there, I'd like to buy this bottle of lens solution please.' 'No problem, that'll be €1m. Don't forget to use it all within 30 days.'
Here's something I've discovered. You DON'T have to throw it out after 30 days. It's still good. It's still good!
6. Why does it feel like there is a quarry of rocks in my eye!?
There are just some days when a lens will not sit right. You take it out, you wash it, you turn it around; you try everything! And yet it still annoys the shit out of you every time you blink.
Why must life be so difficult?
7. The dreaded split in half
There is no bigger clusterfuck than when a lens splits in half while in your eye. Queue an extensive manhunt as you try fish out the two halves, lodged in the back of your head at this stage, amid a flood tears and a mountain of irritation.
8. Heating in cars
Or air blowing heaters in general. They are the Devil! Give me moisture. Sweet sweet moisture!
9. Losing a lens is worse than losing a child
When a lens falls out and you can't find it well then you're really up shit creek without a paddle. The rest of the day/night out is spent wandering around in a haze, not sure if a person is really where your eyes say they are.
10. You can become very talented at pretending not to see people
Contact lenses are a hidden gem when avoiding awkward meets on the street.'Saw you the other day in town.?' 'Jaysis I never saw a bit of ye. Sure I'm lost when I've no glasses on.'
11. Welcome to goo city
Even if they're the kind of lenses you can wear 24/7 you still wake up with two eyes full of gunk every morning. That's the kind of shit they don't show in the movies...
Man meets woman, man stays in woman's home, woman wakes up the next morning, turns seductively over in the bed to gaze int...Ah Jesus, what the fuck's on your eyes!? Go home!'
12. There is no sweet relief like taking them out
You know when you've had a long week and take the first sip of a pint, after sitting down and think 'Ah, that is heaven.' That's exactly the same feeling one can sometimes get after taking out lenses.
It's like you can feel your eyes breath.
13. And hard lenses can piss right off
As useless as a glass hammer.