Going for a quick wizz in a club should be easy right? In and out in no time, because everyone wants to be on the dance floor enjoying themselves. For men, this may be the case, but the women's bathrooms are a whole other ball game. In fact, you'll be lucky if you do it in under ten minutes. Don't get me wrong, great times can be had and beautiful two minute friendships are often formed, but just be prepared for the jungle you are about to enter into. Here are 14 things you'll see in every club bathroom:
1. The Queue.
It's painful, but you are practically guaranteed to run into a queue at some point; a nightmare when you've been trying not to break the seal for the last half an hour. If you're particularly unlucky, you might even be so far back you can see all the guys going into the queue-free men's and come out again two minutes later while you haven't moved an inch. Make it go quicker by making some pals. Bitching about how long it's taking is an easy ice breaker.
2. A girl shouting for toilet roll.
After 1am you can kiss goodbye to toilet roll. Occasionally, very occasionally, a club is stocked up for the night, so get used to handing around the toilet roll that is left in one cubicle. Play it safe and bring a few tissues with you in your bag, going without is not pleasant.
3. The girl passed out in a cubicle.
Often this can go unnoticed, you just presume it's out of order. But if there's a gaggle of other girls stood outside the cubicle shouting in and trying to wake her up, then it's hard to ignore. The discussion will tend to involve how long should they leave it before they get security to kick down the door. Generally don't panic, throw a bit of water over the cubicle door, that usually wakes her up.
4. 3 girls coming out of one cubicle after 15 minutes.
Most of us are guilty of this at some point. Group chats in a nightclub toilet are sometimes totally necessary, but when it's taking so long that everyone in the queue hates you, maybe keep the DMCing to the sink area.
5. The girl banging on the toilet door.
Sometimes, this is totally justified (see above), but when you've just sat down to pee and 30 seconds later someone is banging on the door, 'shut the fuck up' springs to mind. Shout back that you'll just be a minute. then take extra long is an easy attempt to piss them off more.
6. Your new bestie giving you life advice by the sink.
You're washing your hands and catch eyes with the girl next to you, conversation springs up and before you know it, this other drunk girl totally understands you and you're sharing secrets. It's great, but know that once you leave, this quickie friendship will soon die.
7. The crying drunk girl.
She's a stranger, but she's just seen her ex with another girl, you're pissed and sympathetic, cue the life advice. Maybe your new bestie from the sink can jump in and you can both tell her that she's beautiful and can do way better.
8. Can I borrow your lipstick?
You look in the mirror and thank the lord that nightclubs are dark because your makeup is halfway down your face. Quick wipe to get the smudged eyeliner back near your eyes and pull out the lippy, five seconds later the girl next to you decides she needs some as well. Be nice and hand it over, you'll most likely be drunk at this stage so the passing of germs will be lower down the list of priorities.
9. Selfies in the mirror.
A selfie with your friends can only be improved by having it taken in a dirty nightclub mirror reflection. Pout your heart away while other girls wait for the sink angrily behind you. If you're the girl waiting, hate them silently and try to avoid getting in the photo as best you can or alternatively, jump in and get your pout on.
10. The girl peeing with the door wide open.
She's had two bottles of wine and she doesn't give a fuck. Girl power all the way.
11. Weird noises from a cubicle.
Is someone actually getting their bit in there? Wow. Wash your hands and make a hasty exit.
12. The girl topping up her drink with a naggin.
You can only stand and admire her. After all, serious effort went into smuggling that into the bottom of her bag or her tights. Want to pass it around and share the love?
13. The girl vomming her ring up.
You feel for her, you really do, but the sound is making everyone else gag. There's not a great deal that can be done, except to hold her hair back and get her a glass of water. Then remember the state of her when thinking about getting another drink.
14. The lady who sells lollipops holding out tissue.
The person who sees all of the above every single night through sober eyes yet smiles her way through it. You're thankful for the tissue, and maybe you'll even buy a lollipop in return for her lack of judgement. What a nice lady!