You've just turned 18 and in your head this has somehow transformed you into some suave intellectual adult, but the harsh reality is that you're actually quite clueless. Like, between me and you mate, you really don't know shit about what your life is going to be like from this point on. Be ready to make a lot of mistakes and just generally make a cock of yourself, but sure look, that's just life. Moral of the story: you're kind of an idiot, but it's cool I'm here to help (while all the while patronising you). Here are 18 things every 18 year old guy should know about...well about life I guess....
1) Tactical Wanks Don't Work
Sorry mate you've been given some bad advice. It's gonna be quick regardless the first few times, awks.
2) You're Not Adult
Quick question: who washes your clothes and pays your bills? Pfft yeah that's what I thought ya little pup.
3) Hooking Up With Your Friends Sister Is Not A Good Idea
I don't care how hot she's gotten, restrain yourself man!
4) You Will Have A Mid-Mid Life Crisis
Upon leaving school sooner or later reality is going to hit you like a ton of bricks. Think about it; kids, mortgage, taxes. You can already feel a panic attack coming on can't you?
5) You're Going To Do Dumb Shit
Now I don't know exactly what the 'Dumb Shit' is going to be, but I have faith in the stupidity of our gender as a collective whole. Believe that your time is coming young one.
6) You're Going To Need Condoms
You're going to want an ENDLESS amount of condoms because there is nothing worse than finding someone stupid enough to have sex with you, and not having the equipment for the deed. Goddamit.
7) You Will Drink 2-3 Days In a Row
Some may even push it to a whole week and believe me it will leave you in hungover pieces.
8) You're Going To Grow Apart From A Lot Of People
You make friends and you lose friends, that's just the sad reality of life.
9) Relationships Are Sure To Get Harder and More Complex
As if they weren't hard enough before *sigh*
10) Your Chances of Getting Cheated On (Or Of Cheating On Someone) Exponentially Rise
Being in college around all these new people and being so far away from your significant other can prove to be a bit too much temptation for even the most loyal of partners so, ya know, beware.
11) Making Women Your Main Priority Is Not A Good Idea
Drinking and partying is also very important, just remember that.
12) In Life, Situations Are Generally Never Black Or White
You'll find that most things fall into a grey zone.
13) You're Going To Need To Know How To Type
Trust me, when you're just starting a assignment that is due in a couple hours, you're going to want to be a fairly speedy typist if you have a hope of getting it in on time.
14) Women Can Be A Little Different To Men
Be aware of that. For example, men talk about their problems in the hopes of a solution while women do it to have someone listen to their issues. You can't try and fix everything.
15) Offering To Buy A Girl A Drink Does Not Guarantee You A Kiss
I don't even care if she accepts it, it doesn't mean she'll let you put your tongue down her throat...sorry brah
16) You're Not Guaranteed Anything In Life
The moment you stop being an entitled little penis face is the moment your life will become a lot simpler. Take it from me...
17) Budgeting Your Money Will Make Your Life A Lot Easier
Just spending your parents hard earned cash is not wise; what you need to do is think of the most effective and efficient way to waste mom and dad's money and stat.
18) Traveling Will Change Your Life
This may sound dramatic but there is something about a change of scenery that completely alters your perspective on life and triggers an emotional epiphany...plus beach sex is really dope (so I've been told, and apparently Ponsa is a good place for this....)