Whoever prayed to St. Anthony in search of some good weather would want to get him back on the phone because this is just NOT on, lads. Not. On.
1. The Novelty Is Over
While before we would have salivated at the mere thought of it being hotter than Mexico, right now we don’t care. Take your sun, take your Corona’s and your Rayban’s and shove them up your arse please, summer.
2. We Miss Duvets
You haven’t had a decent night’s sleep since JUNE. Even with your bedroom window open it’s still stiflingly hot. Couple that with crippling anxiety at the thought of all the insects in the land nesting in your hair and it makes for a restless night indeed.
3. It's Slowing Us Down
It takes forever to get ready to go anywhere. You need to keep taking breaks in between showering, drying your hair, applying your make-up and getting dressed. If you move too suddenly you risk erupting into a million beads of sweat and all your hard work is undone. If you are a boy, I hate you.
It’s starting to become awkward. We all sweat at different levels of heat, but the risk of spontaneous heat-sweats has tripled in the last month. Standing in a queue in the bank has become your kryptonite.
5. Sugar Overload
Ice cream has become its own individual food group. Your family regularly have to wade through trillions of ice cream wrappers littered all over your bedroom floor to make sure you’re still alive.
6. We Miss The Roasts
BBQ-ing. I for one will start growing fucking UDDERS if I eat one more burger. Can we eat all the other foods, please? Before I whack someone in the mouth with some BBQ tongs. Thanks.
7. The Humidity
Oh, the humidity! I got on the bus the other day and not one person had the windows open upstairs. I actually thought I was hallucinating and suddenly became very angry, before I whipped open every window near to me. It was like walking into a wall of heat, or Satan’s arse-crack.
8. Offences To The Senses
Everybody smells. I’ll say this calmly because I know the best of us cannot help it. It’s stuffy as a motherfucker out there so you get a free pass. It’s the people who emanate a delightful fragrance of stale piss, wet dog and six day old B.O. that need to get their shit together.
9. We're Losing The Livestock
Even animals are beginning to get tired of your shit, summer.
There are too many people. And they are everywhere. ‘God, this weather calls for a day at the park/beer garden/beach!’, said everyone in Ireland.
Hay-fever. I wouldn’t know much about this since I don’t have it, but everyone else and their Granny seems to. So, as truly vexatious as it is for the non-suffering population to have to listen to you constantly sneeze, I’m sure it’s 10 ten times worse for you with your weeping eyes and runny nose. You would think that we would be understanding of each other, but the divide that hay-fever causes is not something to be laughed at.
12. Melting Material
You can’t leave anything in your car anymore.
13. Tinker Ville
You have used your car as a make-shift swimming pool.
14. Mood Swings
Everyone is angry. Any sort of altercation with the most random object causes hot liquid rage to gush through your veins. Can’t open that ice cold can of Coke? Cue turning into the Hulk in 0.5 seconds.
And to top it off, it’s not even sunny anymore. It’s just warm. Disgustingly warm.
But on the bright side, July 30 will mark the end of this torture. I hope.
We Almost Forgot... Drinking
It's soo hot people are leaving work early to go for a few cold ones, the age old tradition of after work pints on a Friday is now being observed every other day ending in Y. The drinking is getting too much for some of us and it's only going to get worse with the sun set to make an appearance once again starting tomorrow.