I never thought I'd get here. I never thought that I'd still be this fucking confused, deranged and basically not together aged a quarter of a century. You know when you look back and attempt to piece together your adolescent thoughts and being 25 seemed so bloody old? Well, I still feel like that and I'm living it. Here are 25 very real struggles every 25-year-old will know to be true:
1) You're working every hour under the sun but can barely afford to eat some weeks.
And by some weeks, I specifically mean the week before payday. And actually, maybe the week before that too....There's no point fighting it bitches, it's a losing battle.
2) And speaking of work, you're either making a mint but hating life or are skint all the time but love your job.
I know which shitheap I'd rather be in. Meet you at the bargain aisle in Tesco pals.
3) Your friend group is divided sharply into those who really have their shit together....
You know the type. In a long-term relationship, stable (boring) job, savings account, wears a pencil skirt and does brunch every Saturday...
4) ....And those who ruin their lives on a twice weekly basis.
And then there are those of us who have 150 big ones to our names, who live in overpriced shitheaps, who are still waiting on last weekend's conquest to text back and who live month to month in the vague hope that soon, soon we'll get our shit together. Sounds about right.
5) You're consistently torn between wanting to look hot and wanting to lie on the couch for the night (again).
I mean, yes, I did spend €43 on gym gear, but it does make great lounge-wear and so that's it, I'm not moving from the couch for the foreseeable future.
6) Your back breaks out in a sweat every time someone asks you about 'your future plans'.
I'm living moment to moment with no plan as to what I'm going to eat for lunch today, so please, don't overwhelm me with your inquisitive worries right now. It's just too much.
7) You've noticed a 30% decrease in your friend group over the past couple of years.
This is what is commonly known as the 'I'm in a relationship now so I don't need your friendship anymore, see you in two years when he leaves me and I realise what a terrible mistake I've made' phase. And no, I'm not bitter at all. *Cries*
8) You can now comfortably look back on your past relationships and ask yourself what the motherfuck you were thinking.
Was I concussed for the past two years? Drunk? Insane?
9) And speaking of relationships, you've probably gone through at least one awful heartbreak and come out the other side a totally different person.
Yes, it hurts every inch of your body and soul, it can destroy your confidence and belief in everything and at times you'll want to curl up and die, but soon the good days will far outweigh the bad and you'll discover that it was just a (bad) learning experience. Bigger and better things await you, so get out there and start living again.
10) You're slowly coming to discover that you're turning into your mother.
I'm not saying that this is a bad thing, but this is a really bad thing and I want it to stop immediately.
11) You give roughly 60% less of a shit about what people think of you now.
When compared with 18-year-old you, the level of shits that you give has taken a sharp nosedive and honestly, you couldn't be happier. Haters gonna hate, after all.
12) You've really noticed a shuddering stop in your metabolism, as of late.
The days of pizza for breakfast should be long gone butttttttt, a spare tire never hurt anyone, right? (Wrong)
13) Your diet sharply alternates between kale juices on a Monday and thrice daily takeaways at the weekend.
Treat yo'self, right?
14) There's no Friday plan like a Netflix and chill plan.
And by Netflix we mean sex. Same same.
15) You regularly reminisce about your college days with misty eyes.
The drinking, the lie-ins, the sheer freedom of it all. *Sigh*
(And yes, I'm choosing to ignore the numerous all-nighters, STDS, value vodka and hundreds of essays.) Tough shit.
16) Rent has replaced results as the biggest bane of your life.
So long random weekends away, I'm just gonna be here, casually dropping billions of cash dollars on a room the size of a car parking space in IKEA. (I love my life, I love my life...)
17) You've just noticed your first wrinkle and are still recovering from the shock...
And have taken to slapping on your Mothers (very expensive) anti-ancient prevention creme like it's nobody's business.
18)...Yet you're still breaking out in spots on a daily basis.
I actually can't even be dealing with this anymore.
19) You've gotten to a stage where you either love children and can't wait to have your own OR you hate them with every fibre of your being and are of the opinion that they shouldn't be allowed in public places.
Buses, parks, cafes, shops, trains, streets, planes, pubs, the usual spots really.
20) Your work colleagues are either likely to be fiercely competitive (read: dickheads) or pretty fabulous people with whom you get piss faced on a regular basis.
Because I'd much rather ruin my life in front of other 'professionals' than, am, not ruin my life.
21) Oh and the hangovers are now crippling to the point of tears.
All I want is a family sized Dominoes, three duvets, six buckets of water, a hot person to spoon me and a reassuring angel to whisper kind things in my fragile little ears. Please?
22) You really feel as though you've got your life in order when you purchase those infamous 'tailored trousers'.
Step aside peasants, we've got a semi-professional bitch on the loose.
23) Your parents love nothing more than reminding you that when they were your age they had a mortgage, two kids and no fun.
Yeah, well I live for the weekend and I might have a dog by the time I'm 30, so whatever.
24) There's nothing that brings out your inner old person more than seeing teenagers (just in general).
The clothes, the language, the technology. IT WASN'T LIKE THIS IN MY DAY.
25) Finally, you face an inner battle with yourself on a daily basis: to attempt to drag yourself up the career ladder bit by bit OR to pack it all in and travel the world while you still can.
Meet you at the airport bitches.