When people tell you how sarcastic you are, you can never be sure whether they're complimenting you on your fine choice of dialect or whether they think you're a fucking disgusting human being. For example, I was nominated to throw together this list because I'm "so sarcastic" that I was the only one capable of taking on the job. Shucks. Here are some very clear signs that you've taken sarcasm to a whole new level in your everyday life:
1) Speaking in serious environments requires extreme concentration.
During interviews, meeting the parents, with granny; no-one realises how much self-control is required in those situations.
2) Your parents legit think you hate them sometimes.
You either speak to them through sarcasm or you don't speak at all.
3) You hear "No seriously [insert name here]" all the time.
No seriously, you do look like a fucking tramp, Jackie. That wasn't sarcasm.
4) When conversations get emotional, your impulse reaction is to throw an insult like you have Tourette's.
You're such a fucking eejit, ha...
5) Sarcasm is also your first and only line of defence in all situations.
People trying to insult you are cute. A for effort.
6) Your favourite game as a child didn't involve dolls or action figures, but instead getting unsuspecting relatives riled up and muddled.
How the fuck can a five-year-old be so adorable yet so cynical?
7) You come across as a dickhead through text so people stop replying.
You're not afraid to send a text full of scorn and hatred without an emoji at the end to reassure the person that you're kidding.
8) But now and again you do find the perfect emoji and all is restored.
You knew that emoji was there all along, you just chose to be a bit of a dick because it's more entertaining.
9) People who get overexcited about irrelevant things piss you off.
No-one writes a whole song because it's Friday, for fuck's sake.
10) People, in general, just piss you off.
11) Condescending Willy Wonka was your childhood icon.
He just had it all going on.
12) The more you insult someone, the more you love them. Insults are a sign of affection and tenderness with you.
You actually fucking disgust me = I care about you deeply.
13) You curse far too often in public without a second thought.
And you get stared at all the time because people think you're harassing your friends.
14) Other people know about your sarcastic nature and are afraid to talk to you because of it.
Is my face really that scary? Really though?
15) The only way you would ever get a second date with a stranger is if the first one was a silent date.
Otherwise, you might send them home with low self-esteem and teary-eyed, and that was just during the starter.
16) You have the utmost respect for the people that answer your sarcasm with sarcasm.
Finally, a conversation worth pursuing.
17) But they'll never get one over on you because you're Queen Bitch of Sarcasm.
And you will never be dethroned.
18) You get excited on the inside but forget to show it on the outside frequently.
I'm smiling on the inside, promise.
19) Your resting face lets you down on so many occasions.
I really thought I made myself seem so interested in that story. Oh well.
20) Sometimes you're not even sure if you were being sarcastic or not.
Let me get back to you on that one....
21) You're so confident it comes across as cocky.
Don't take it personally, I'm just really aware of how fucking fabulous I am.
22) It takes genuine effort not to be sarcastic in every response.
Killing me slowly...
23) Your English teacher either found your work hilarious or fucking painful.
Plath's poetry blew my mind the same way it blew hers. What's the big deal?
24) People really wonder if you have a black heart.
Sometimes I wonder that myself, sister.
25) You sometimes realise you've gone too far but will never admit it out loud.
Sarcasm is never wrong.
26) Your friends have no idea how to react when you're genuinely upset about something.
No, you may not use my sarcastic responses to your tears on me when I'm crying. Fuck you.
27) Everyone thinks you're a more negative person than you really are.
I hate life just as much as the next person.
28) You never actually mean it when you say "cool".
Because nothing is ever fucking cool unless it's me doing it, obviously.
29) But if you tell someone you love them, you absolutely fucking love them.
Yeah, I guess. Pssh. Whatever. Fuck off.
30) You're shit at flirting because guys can't tell if you're being sarcastic or if you're just a bitch.
Story of my life.
31) You spend most of your time assuring people you're "Just kidding", even when you're not.
Get a fucking grip.