Manliness is a serious preoccupation these days and it seems the lumberjacks that were once banished to the depths of the forest are now invading wider society. But where does this macho pressure come from, and can anyone actually live up to it in reality?
These are the real men who are the exemplars of real manliness. But then again, they may also be throbbing dickheads.
The Original Man's Man – Ernest Hemingway
Who He Is:
The term "man's man" is often ascribed to Hemingway. The famed American author was noted for hard drinkin', fightin', and ridin'. He was a war hero, a boxer, and a bit of an all round hardy buck. He also had a mouth on him that'd make Gordon Ramsay blush and his mother almost disowned him because of it, but how many fucks did he give? Precisely zero.
Why He Sucks:
Advertisement
In his own memoir, A Moveable Feast, Hemingway describes an exchange with The Great Gatsby author F. Scott Fitzgerald where he visited his friend Hemingway in distress after his wife's implication that he had a small dick, leading to Hemingway reassuring him that it was in fact a decent size and bringing him to the Louvre to compare his junk with works of art. To reiterate, Hemingway outed his own friend as having a dick the size of a McDonald's chip and published it in a widely read book: classic dick move.
The Playboy – Dan Bilzerian
Who He Is:
For those who aren't in the know, Dan Bilzerian is pretty much the definition of a playboy. The “King of Instagram” is not only a trust-fund millionaire, an actor, and profession poker player, but Bilzerian also proved himself to have nuts of actual titanium by training to join the Navy Seals, only to get kicked out just two days before graduation (presumably for snorting too much cocaine off hooker nipples). With his constant posting of big guns, scantily-clad girls and fast car pics, he essentially lives out every teenage boy's dream for the world to see.
Why He Sucks:
Advertisement
He essentially lives out every teenage boy's dream for the world to see. Recently he was arrested for attempting to make a bomb, probably because shit blows up in The Fast & The Furious and that's what he models his life on. The bearded beefcake also managed to break a woman's leg by throwing her off a fucking roof and blamed it on her afterwards. The constant uploading of pictures with mostly naked women, while it admittedly looks fun, you have to wonder why he needs so much attention. For all his money and sex, he may just need a big hug.
The Smooth Operator – George Clooney
Who He Is:
Arriving on the celebrity radar as the salt'n'pepper haired dreamboat that was Dr Doug Ross on ER, Clooney has gone on to solidify his status as the quintessential charmer in Ocean's 11, Out of Sight, Fantastic Mr Fox and pretty much every Nespresso ad since the turn of the millennium. This guy's smoother than pulpless Tropicana, and that's pretty gosh dang smooth. When he's not too busy being Frank Sinatra reincarnated, his leisure time involves helping the UN avert mass atrocities and fund raising to help the victims of natural disasters.
Why He Sucks:
Advertisement
There's a story that Clooney's repeated many times for various media publications, where he describes how he won the affection of a generally shy rescue dog and its female owner by smearing bacon on his body so the dog would come to him, making the said female swoon from the sheer dehydration caused by her improbable levels of wetness. This gives us two insights in the mind of Clooney: firstly, he's one of those assholes who always repeats the same story over and over, and secondly, he has a near sociopathic need to be liked by everyone, and everything, he meets. That just seems a little more needy than suave, really.
The Action Hero – Jason Statham
Who He Is:
For those unfortunate enough not to be familiar with The Stath, he's that bald guy in most action movies, you know the ones with the cars and the guns and the kung fu. He is so rogue-ish that he started his career as an actual Cockney street urchin, think Del Boy on roids and you're close. From there he made the obvious transition to Olympic diver, which lead to him being spotted in Speedos and given a modelling career, before charming the pants off Guy Richie and launching his cinematic career with Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. Essentially the Arnold Schwarzenegger of his generation, now he kicks all the ass. The guy's so manly that he actually looks like a man-shaped penis (I defy you to look at his picture for long enough and tell me it's not true).
Why He Sucks:
Advertisement
In 2008, The Stath got kicked out of the Playboy Mansion by Hugh Hefner after refusing to pose in pictures with other guests in what could only be described as a diva moment. Throwing away such an opportunity is not the action of someone any heterosexual man can look up to.
The Hardass – Vladimir Putin
Who He Is:
Let me tell you how hard Vladimir Putin is: Putin is so hard he can beat down a Judo master, in his home dojo, without breaking a sweat. Putin is so hard he pilots helicopters to fight wildfires. Putin is so hard he can take down a freaking tiger. Yeah, these things actually happened. Scientists maintain that such a degree of sheer ruggedness is only achievable through the mainlining of testosterone directly to the dick. He's the kinda guy you want to lead your nation, right? Weeell...
Why He Sucks:
Before ascending to the position as president of Russia he was a KGB agent and alleged murderer, and rumours of assassinations at his behest have plagued his term of office, including the slow, painful killing of the Russian whistleblower Alexander Litvinenko by fucking radiation poisoning. Not to mention his endorsement of legislation condemning Russia's gay community and their “homosexual propaganda.” But other than that, y'know, sound chap.
