Kain Devine
I, like I’m sure many people who enjoy the occasional alcoholic beverage as much as I do, have a certain list of things I tend to tell myself as I gradually make my way to bottom of that infamous “one to many”. To be honest I actually have a very specific list of things I tell myself before I pass out in the passenger seat of a taxi ride home and am awoken by the driver who seems relieved that I didn’t vomit in his car but is blissfully unaware of the wet patch I have produced and am currently sitting in. These are those 5 things.
I’m Not Drunk.
This is the trademark remark of any drunken person and something I tell myself and indeed everyone within ear shot at intermittent periods of most conversations. The problem with this is not that I actually tell myself but is the fact that I genuinely believe it and honestly think I can take on any number of tasks, tasks I wouldn’t be even able to do if I was sober. This generally leads to me shouting later in the night to anyone who thinks otherwise that “I’VE GOT THIS” and how they should just “CALM THEIR TITS” because apparently being sober is the only qualifications you need to be able perform some of life’s most difficult tasks. If anyone disagrees with you well what the fuck do they know they’re probably drunk.
Okay… I’m Drunk
When I finally swallow my pride and admit that I am actually off my face I suddenly feel that I have a get out of jail free card and am permitted to say and do whatever I please. It’s as if my mind suddenly thinks that being drunk is a perfect excuse for me to be a dick. I could be talking to my best friend in the entire world and yet I’d probably end up using a sentence like this: “Listen man I’m really drunk right now and I love you but sometimes when you’re talking I wanna cut off my ears then put them in a blender so I never have to listen to the inane bullshit you spout on a daily basis.” Luckily for me I have very forgiving friends that do accept my “I’m drunk” excuse.
I Am Beyonce.
This little beauty of disillusion usually comes quite late on in the night after drinking so much Captain Morgan that you go around with one eye closed calling all the women wentchs and using an imaginary lasso to try drag them towards the dancefloor. It is at this point I convince myself that I am god’s gift to dancing and that even though I’m a borderline overweight male I am the next Beyonce and everyone who disagrees just “Ain’t ready for this Jelly”.
I’m Gonna Get Sick.
This thought usually pops itself into the auld noggin when we’ve left the club in search of some drunk food which you wouldn’t touch with a ten foot barge pole when sober but is all of a sudden all you want to eat. Of course I don’t actually get sick cause getting sick is a very womanly thing and I’m a manly man but I do usually end up dry heaving in the corner of some dimly lit piss stained alley while at the same time still trying to scoff down the last of the of donor kebab.
Everything Will Be Okay
Finally after I’ve gotten that taxi home and crawled into that sweet sweet heaven I call bed I begin to tell myself that no matter how much of a dick I’ve been or how big a fool I’ve made of myself things will ultimately be okay in the morning and for the most part they are. Even though I might have to send a few apology texts around everything normally does be okay… Until the next night out.
Kain is the Editor of the Funnies Section and runner up in the junior infants Christmas Art Competition. Follow him on Twitter @Kainyewest. If you want to be part of the funnies section email him at [email protected].
