Have you ever tried to explain Facebook to your grandparents? Or explain to your parents why you call your best mates dickheads, even though you love them? Or better yet, why you take pictures of your food while it gets cold? We all do it, you know you do it too. People are weird and our behaviour often makes no sense, but that doesn't stop us from doing these things! So, now it's time to check yoself: how many of these things do you do?
1) Insulting Your Best Friends
You know when you meet someone for the first time, and you're really polite to them, because... well, that's just what you do? If it's three months later and you still haven't called them a knob-goblin, they are not real friends! Real friends slag the unmerciful shit out of each other, tearing into each other about literally everything. You don't tell your best mate they look gorgeous after getting a haircut. You say "Nice coiffe, gee-bag!" You don't make small talk about the weather when there's a lull. You throw shit at them and tell them you hate them. Because that's love right there.
2) Telling Everyone Everything Online
There was a time when you kept your mouth shut if people asked what you were up to. You weren't doing anything. You were just hanging out. Why are you asking? Just leave me alone, CHRIST! Not so much now though. Now it's more like, hey, I just had a coffee and saw a rock. I better update my Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and, just in case anyone is still on it, Bebo.
3) Driving To The Gym To Go On A Stationary Exercise Bike
What is the point.....of sitting in traffic for upwards of an hour.....on a nice day.....to go to the gym......and pay money........ to ride a perfectly stationary exercise bike? Why.....would.......you.......do......that?
4) Choosing Facebook Over People
This one is genuinely scary. The next time you're on a packed bus, put away your phone for a second and look around. There is something decidedly eerie about a bus full of people when everyone is ignoring each other. Weirder still, they're ignoring each other by being sociable (or creeping!) with other people, except on the internet. They have literally given up real socializing in order to socialize virtually....
5) Firmly Believing Everything On The Internet
"Honestly, Beyoncé was in a sex tape with the guy in the Barney the Dinosaur suit. Seriously, she was... I read it online."
"She can't have done that man, she's got prehistoric AIDS. It was in a medical journal, they did a case study of her back in 2006!"
"Well, obviously, it'd make sense that she's had sex with Barney the Dinosaur then, right?!"
"Oh yeah... I think we read the same article"
6) Videos At Concerts
"How was the concert, dude?" "Oh man, it was so good. Check out this video."
If you come out of a concert with a 45 minute video of the band playing on stage, you're doing life wrong. You and about a million other people in the world. I mean, why would you bother listening to the music, enjoying the vibe of the place, when you can spend half the gig trying to capture low-quality video footage on your phone? A video you will never, ever watch again, but you'll keep on your phone to remind you of what a good time you could have had, if you hadn't spent it trying to get a video on your phone!
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