7 Surefire Ways To Get Rich Quick

Most of us are certain we're going to be rich someday, we're just not sure exactly how. Yet at the same time, this studying and hard work lark is a load of bollocks; Kim Kardashian never had to do it, so why should we? Why can't we all just be idle lords of leisure, being carried around in litters and having grapes placed directly into our mouths? Oh that's right: society needs somebody to be the dog's body. Here are the top ways to break out of that cycle and become a boss with minimal effort.

1) Write a hit kid's book

I know what you're thinking, this doesn't seem like that quick a scheme, but have you seen how short and badly drawn those things are? And the stories are complete shite too. Just throw in some talking animals and a cutesy moral to the story and the publishers will be begging you to take their advances.

2) When In Doubt, Sue

A favourite manoeuvre by scam artists to get rich quick is to just get hit by the most expensive car you can find and watch your bank account grow.


3) Find a body part in your food

Another way to sue your way to success. This is striking gold, albeit gold in the form of a bloody, severed phalange.

4) Release a Christmas song

The loyalties that accumulate from successful Christmas tunes that are replayed every year are insane; Fairytale of New York has been keeping Shane MacGowan in booze and dentures for decades, nuff said.


5) Become a treasure hunter

Lake Guatavita in Columbia was once a site of ancient Central American tribes who would make offerings to the gods by dumping gold and jewels in the lake, meaning that priceless treasures remain there to this day. Prove to the world that Indiana Jones ain't got shit on you by finding that treasure yourself and you'll be richer than Scrooge McDuck. Your only obstacle is the local government's prohibition on further exploration of the lake, but Colombian officials are supposed to be reasonable, right?

6) Win the lottery

According to the founder of, you have a one in 8,145,060 chance of winning the lottery, but still, somebody's gotta got their paws on that scrilla, so why not you!

7) Sell a public monument

Follow the sterling example of bullshitter extraordinaire Victor Lustig, who conned various scrap metal firms by pretending to sell them the Eiffel Tower for scrap, ultimately fleeing the country but making serious bank in the process. This scheme may be the most reasonable, because I'm pretty sure the people of Ireland would thank you if you sold the Spire. Winning.

Seán Kenehan
Article written by
Seán has been told by some that he resembles a young Hugh Laurie, but more people have tried to hire him as a Noddy impersonator. Something of a film fan, a pub quiz is one of the few situations in which he is even remotely useful. Seán enjoys the occasional beverage of the alcohol variety, Salt & Vinegar crisps, and referring to himself in the third person.

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