Music festivals are a mismatch of different characters, all very varied in nature and style. It's the only place you can see hardcore goths partying next to a gaggle of posh preppy kids. It's kinda beautiful when you think about it, how they lead to this coming together of different sub cultures to form this drunken sweaty mess that we have come to know as a music festival. However, that's not to say that you won't stumble upon a fair few people that you wish you could throttle to death, that's just how it is. With so many strangers put into a field together, there's bound to be a few assholes...okay, a lot of assholes.
1) The Model
You'd swear they were on the set of a fashion shoot or that they're about to strut their stuff on a French catwalk from the way they're dressed. Now there's nothing wrong with looking nice or dressing to impress, but you're in a dirty field in the middle of nowhere, you really don't need to be wearing high heels. And please do not ask me to take a picture of you and your 'fake tan' soaked mates, because it's gross. You're gross for trying so hard. Cmon you're just standing there trying to look hot but not enjoying the actual music, you're kind of killing my vibe so if you could just evaporate into nothing that'd be great.
2) The Shirtless Lad
Listen I get it, if you're roasting and sweaty, then taking your top off is totally acceptable and I'm not going to judge you for that. But um, the festival has just started so why on earth would you be sweaty. Not to mention that fact that it's also been raining so you might want to keep that top on if you have any hope of not getting a cold. We get it, you've been going to the gym for 2 months in preparation for this very moment and, you know, kudos and all that but please don't be a douchebag and put your singlet back on. I don't need to be looking at your nasty pepperoni nipples brah.
3) The Druggy
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They don't usually do drugs but for some strange reason they felt that a festival would be the best place to go all out, and boy do they go all out. It's evident that they're on something from a mile away and while it's amusing at first, it gets iffy pretty quickly when they start looking like they're about to go on a mass killing spree. And if that wasn't bad enough, this same feeling of dread is only amplified when they hobble up to you asking if you have "any yokes on ya mate". I'm sorry dude but do I look like Heisenberg? Better just get your scaldy ass outta my face.
4) The Sweaty Raver
In a way I've gotta applaud your enthusiasm. I do appreciate the fact that you're dancing and getting into the music which is what we all like to see but YOU'RE SO FUCKING SWEATY. And not in the "eww he smells" kinda way, but in the "this fella looks like he's just gone for a swim" kinda way. Your body is slick with sweat and thoroughly gross. Cmon man, how can I possibly enjoy myself when every time I try to bust a move, I brush off you and for that split second I feel like I'm underwater (yes that's how fucking wet you are). I'm scared, you've made us fear for our lives because I honestly feel like you're sweaty enough to drown me in that stuff. Somebody get a life guard!
5) The PDA Couple
Okay quick pro tip, if the stuff you and your fortunate festival lover are getting up to can be considered soft core porn, then you probably shouldn't be doing that shit in public. No one's saying that you're forbidden from being horny, damn we're ALL horny, but you don't see us doing that shit. Like no, I'm sorry but no heavy petting, nah nah, stop it. If you really want to get down that much then just go to the forest or something, it's not that complex. Just one more time so ya'll don't forget: NO HEAVY FUCKING PETTING.
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6) The Attention Whores
In all fairness to them, attention whores are everywhere. However, for some reason at festivals they seem to be more prevalent. You will see dudes wearing Borat costumes thinking they're hilarious and 17 year old girls buzzing around essentially naked because fuck it, why not, you're at a festival right.... basically what they're wearing screams PLEASE LOOK AT ME, I NEED YOU TO LOOK AT ME. There's thousands of people here mate, sorry but I don't think you're going to be getting much attention today.
7) The Filmmaker
Who the fuck do you think you are? No honestly, tell me because I am genuinely curious. Do you think you're Martin Scorsese directing an Oscar worthy film? Because if you aint then please put your damn phone away. I'm pretty sure no one on the internet wants to see a 60 minute video of entirely shaky/blurry images of some musician. There's nothing wrong with taking a few pictures or a short clip here and there, but if you are trying to film an entire performance, then you're a bit of a dope mate, sorry. Live in the bloody moment.
