As every student knows, there are upsides and downsides to hosting any party. At Halloween, however, they’re a little bit different. Here are a few words of wisdom to prepare prospective hosts for this terrifying ordeal...
Nobody is going to play your games.
Everyone really appreciates the effort you put in and the place looks fantastic but please, keep that blindfold away from me. The unfortunate souls who arrive first will probably indulge you but once people start coming in droves, it’s games over. The bucket you just bought for bobbing apples will be converted into a beer cooler, your “Haunted Cupboard” will be hot-boxed and there are already people having sex in the ghost-stories bedroom (make sure to sanitise that torch before using it again, you don’t know what it may have seen).
And the award goes to…
Yes, you advertised a prize for best costume. Yes, you completely forgot about it until now. No, you don’t have to run to the shop. Yes, a kitchen appliance will do fine. Pope Benedict Cumberbatch is too drunk to even realise he has won and I promise he’ll be happy with that garlic press. Look… there you go, he’s showing it to everyone.
You’re a… dead Superman?
Some people arrived with make-up on, but EVERYBODY is leaving with it. Face-paint fairies will work their way through the crowd, making everyone’s face either very pale or very colourful. Expect whiskered superheroes and cheerleaders with moustaches. Firemen will become vampire firemen, vampires will become rainbow vampires and rainbows will become entirely covered in glitter. Because there is always glitter. Nobody knows where it comes from but, eventually, glitter consumes everything. My chemistry teacher used to say that glitter was the only substance on earth with no atoms, making it totally invincible. According to some sources, glitter was invented to end the permanent cycle of destruction between rock, paper and scissors. The result? Glitter wins.
The DJ will play two songs on repeat throughout the night: ‘Thriller' and 'Monster Mash’. The living room will become increasingly frenzied and chaotic, as Chloe - amateur dancer and professional bossy-boots - tries to teach Michael Jackson's zombie choreography to an ever-growing herd of drunk, uncoordinated “sexy" French maids.
Good morning young… woman?
The morning after, you will come downstairs to find utter devastation, albeit colourful and creative devastation. An astronaut in a cowboy hat will be spooning Optimus Prime on the couch, while Dracula’s various brides lie scattered across the kitchen counters. Wake everybody up and proceed immediately to the off-license, in search of rollover material. There is nothing more fun than walking around in mismatched costume the day after a fancy-dress party. The real world will look at you in disgust and think “I wish I was doing that.”
Who owns this lightsaber?
The pile of discarded props left behind by your guests should supply you with Halloween paraphernalia for the rest of your life. During the clean-up, you will find a memento from every costume except your own, which will have almost totally disappeared. Such is the nature of fancy dress.
Is this gone off?
If you were prepared enough to get pumpkins and sweets before the big night, be prepared to live on this diet for the next few days. You will be too broke and hungover to seek real food and besides, sweets are reasonably nutritious. If you’re brave and capable enough to make pumpkin soup, do it quickly or your house will reek of orange innards for a long time after the witch is dead.
Be glad you made such a big deal about doing up the house, because those decorations aren’t coming down for a long time. After all, you can only fit so much cardboard in your neighbour’s recycling bin. You’ve decided the black sheets over the stairs give the house a really nice atmosphere and cobwebs are definitely relevant for the Christmas season. In February, you will open the hoover cupboard to find a hidden mummy. It will scare the shit out of you. Happy Halloween!