The time is nearly upon us again, Ladies and Gentlemen. Well, there's no need for me to tell you that, especially all of you Gentlemen out there. You've most likely had it marked in the calender since Christmas. Yes, that's right, it's World Cup time. Feel free to join me in feeling ill and wanting to hibernate until it's all over once again. Join me in hating World Cup Wankers by reading about every football haters thoughts during the World Cup.
8) "Oh fuck, here we go again..."
It seems to be barely over before it's beginning all over again. Either that or perhaps we're getting confused with the Champions League or, sorry, I tried to care for a minute. The fact that it stretches on for so damn long is surely unnecessary.
7) "This year I think I'll try and get into it, show some spirit."
What a blatant lie. Stop lying to yourself. We hate football and we should be proud. There are far too few of us around, if you ask me. Stick to your guns and you won't be rewarded but you won't be bored silly either.
6) "How can kicking a ball around be that entertaining?"
I for one, have spent my whole life asking this question. I have yet to receive an answer that doesn't involve the word "fuck." To anyone out there who also hates football and does not understand the entertainment value of watching a round object being passed around like a steaming hot spud, take comfort in the fact that we will never understand and that's ok.
5) "The players are paid HOW MUCH?"
I'll confess that I had to do a little research via good old Google for this one. I will also confess that I almost collapsed when I saw the figures. ARE YOU FOR REAL? It's no wonder the world is in shite if this is what ball kickers are being paid. It's also ok to wonder if it's too late to consider a career in the art of being a professional sportswoman. Yes, it is too late.
4) "I think I'll avoid all football supporters for the next month."
I think we should all do this. It's fairly safe to say that they're going to be unbearable for the entire World Cup, so let's all retreat to a happier, football free zone where we don't have to listen to football talk, watch football or hear the screams of eejits shitting themselves over football. Plan?
3) "Your country isn't even in this year, why the fuck are you watching every match?"
Again, this is a question that is asked by us frequently, yet answered never. It is usually met with some angry sort of grunt, snort or curse leaving us twice as confused as we were before the question was asked. You haven't even been to Croatia, why are you so emotionally invested in their sportsmen. "Snort".
2) "I never realised that so many people loved football. How upsetting."
Coming to the sad, soul destroying realisation that there are so many football fans out there, can make a non football fan feel so alone in the world. Alas, do not worry. There are many of us, I assure you. Not as many as there are football fans, but we exist and we are strong. Promise.
1) "Is it over yet?"
Day one, the excitement among football wankers is overwhelming. You think to yourself, this can surely never last. They'll wear themselves out sooner or later. Three weeks down the line, they show no such signs. Panic is setting in. You're going crazy. Don't worry, it only lasts for a month. If Jesus could sacrifice 40 days and nights in the desert, you can do the same in the name of football wankers. Just get the drinks ready for July the 13th. We'll all drink to that.