The 9 Excruciating Stages Of FOMO

College semesters are nearly done, and you know what that means right? Sessions, nights out and house parties everywhere. You're going to be balling so hard, your legs will be made of bricks by Christmas Eve. Which means, naturally, you're going to miss out on a few gatherings. Funds will be low, you'll be exhausted, and odds are there will be snow all over the place. Bugger it, night in it is. Only problem with nights in though? A serious case of FOMO, that's what.

1) Put On A Movie

Step one is the glorious, one-off stage where you actually feel good about not going out. Cancelling plans, for the moment, gives you a high that is on par with taking cocaine. You grab a bag of malteasers, sit down on the couch, throw an ole duvet over yourself and throw on one of your favourite movies. The Avengers all the way, bro.

2) Checking The Time

Then comes the paranoia. Slowly but surely, your eyes drift towards your phone. All your mates will probably be arriving at the pub by now, right? Half ten, yeah.....or they might still be doing pre-drinks. Wonder if they're talking about me? Probably. Talking about how shit I am for not coming out. Whatever. Malteasers....Oh man, I wonder what I'm missing?


3) Previous Absences

A natural follow on from this is thinking about all the previous times you've missed out on. Remember when you stayed in instead of going to Julie's birthday night out? And Smirnoff showed up at the bar and started giving out free shots to everybody, and free T-shirts? And your mate hooked up with one of the hot girls giving them all out, and she was rich? Well, what if that's all happening again? WELL?

4) Facebook

Sure enough, this leads to creeping. You pop online to see what's happening and the worst thing you can possibly see has shown up in your newsfeed: all of your friends are tagged in some in-joke status. Something along the lines of "Tight Jeans Tornado!" You know, even when they explain that to you the next day, it's not going to be funny. Why? "You had to be there."


5) Reminding Yourself About The Haters

This is where you need to start reassuring yourself that you made the right move by staying in. So you remind yourself of all the people you hate that'll be there. Like that dickhead Riley. He's such a douchebag. Always groping every girl in the place. Brings every conversation back to the time he was in Thailand. Calling everyone a knob-head and thinking it's hilarious. If you went out, he'd probably spend the night fighting with bouncers and getting kebab-n-alcohol vomit all over his shoes.

6) Remembering The Hotties

As a follow-on to that though, you'll inevitably think of the other people who will be there. Including that absolute babe you have the hots for. You think to yourself, what if she hooks up with someone while you're not there? What if everyone starts having a go at you, because you're not out? And she starts to think the same, that you're boring as hell? Next thing you know, you've got a full-blown vision of her making out with Riley and becoming as big a douchebag as he is. And it's all because you're sitting there eating Maltesers instead of heading out!


7) Reassessing Your Funds

This is where you start thinking of your bank account and thinking, I get paid on Thursday...that's only six days away. I can get by on Instant noodles until then. And if I sneak a naggin in, that'll save money again? And I'll walk home, save money on a taxi......yeah, I can totally do this! So it's Christmas Eve and I've done no shopping, homemade gifts are far more endearing anyway.

8) No, Wait....Hangovers....

But then you think of the reason you're not going out in the first place. Work in the morning. 8 hour shift. Dealing with customers asking about Frozen dolls. Which is annoying, considering you work in a cafè. Add a hangover into that mix? You may as well just throw yourself off a bridge now and save yourself the pain.

9) Late Night Texts

Finally, after a couple of false starts, you realize it's way too late in the night to head out. So problem (sort of) solved.....until the texts start. Traditionally around 3 in the morning, when people are waiting in line at a chipper. You'll hear your phone buzz and see "Dude! You should have come out! We got free shots of vodka and I scored the girl giving them out! Where were you man?!"
After all of that, and you don't even get a garlic and cheese fries. But you'll be out for the next one. No doubt about that.

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Stephen Hill
Article written by
I like everything everything that was big in the 80's: Meatloaf power ballads, video games with swords and dragons, cartoons about anthropomorphic animals solving crimes and movies with Bill Murray in them. I know nothing about any sports, with the exception of Quidditch. I'm also fond of tea, the occasional custard cream and support the Browncoats

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