January equals gym time, meaning that January is a sad sad time for us all, bar those gym bunnies that we all envy and hate in equal measure. After two plus weeks of the overindulgence that is Christmas, once the New Year is rang in and the hangover has been rehydrated, we all announce that this is our year. This time around things are going to be different. Come March, you will be fit, toned and more ripped than a posh girls jeans. Never mind the fact that we're essentially vomiting our hard earned cash all over someone else's sweaty treadmill, it'll all be worth it, right? Wrong. Here are nine perfectly valid reasons to not join the gym;
1) The Sheer Cost Of It All
Unless you're using the gym at least three times a week, then handing over the bones of three hundred euro purely to feel guilty, is about as intelligent as that tit who comments on internet posts without reading them. So not in the slightest then. If you think that by paying you'll guilt yourself into it, then think again. It never works and you'll just sit at home on a rainy Saturday internally sighing at what an utter failure you are at life.
2) You Can Exercise For Free (Imagine That)
This may be a complete and utter surprise to the lycra clad people of the world, those rowing machine wankers who see no greater cause than splashing out a small fortune on the very best sweat inducing room possible, but you can actually get fit for free. I know, it shocked me too. Going for a run is free, not mention that by going outdoors you get yourself some fresh air. So as well as getting fit, you're bound to feel all round better too. Did I mention that it's free?
3) You'll Avoid Gym Wankers
Gyms tend to attract complete arseholes, there's no two ways about it. From the tight t-shirt muscle bulging steroid head bellend, to the made up, long haired skinny malink, no matter how good you think you look, ten minutes in that ego filled hellhole and you'll want to run away, so in a way, mission accomplished. Seriously though, why piss away your money in order to feel inferior? Run alone and feel that way for free. Clearly.
4) You'll Have Uncrushable Guilt When You Don't Go (Always)
When you first joined, you promised yourself that you'd show your face at least six times a week. That was four months ago and you've gone six times in that entire space of time. What this means is that you spend the remainder of your time avoiding that little bastard of a gym key fob dangling off your keys. Don't look it in the eye. The very thoughts of going are enough to make you break down and cry, but then sitting at home with ice cream cripples you with guilt. There are no winners in this game.
5) You'll Have To Waste Shitloads On Money On Ugly Gear
I don't care what designer label is hanging off the side of your tracksuit, it still looks fuck ugly. You have two options really when it comes to kitting yourself out for the gym. One, you could spend as little money as possible and stuff yourself into cheap, sweat inducing materials that will likely fall apart on contact with air or two, you could spend a weeks rent kitting yourself out in Adidas which, because you are not an athlete, will still look shit.
6) Nobody Normal Looks Good While Exercising
No really, they don't, unless they're a gym wanker of course (see number three). The rest of us mere mortals however look red, sweaty, constipated and generally just in pain. There's nothing sexy about running on a treadmill with a look of sheer and utter agony on your face, Christmas jiggling about you, legs cramping, life flashing before your eyes. Keep that shit private, I beg.
7) It's Pretty Damn Unhygienic
Most people tend to associate gyms with being healthy, well, not this person. Due to an unfortunate week of work experience, I discovered just how disgusting gyms really and truly are and I like to use this as an excuse for avoiding them ever since. People sweating all over machines that are then 'wiped down' with their sweaty towel? That's not cleaning, that's rubbing the sweat around and then expecting someone else to lie all over it. Makes me break out in a cold sweat just thinking about it. *Shiver*
8) You Can Run But You Just Can't Hide
Literally. There is no worse a place in which to see someone you really don't want to see, than in the gym. For reasons that I have laboriously laid out above, you are not at your best in any way while in there, so naturally it's the time during which you'll see everyone from your old teacher, to your third cousin, to that one night stand you just want to blank out. Awkward...
9) Injuries Are A Very Real Possibility
There are any number of injuries that you can obtain in the gym. Pulled muscles, broken bones, loss of faith. There's really only one way to ensure that this travesty doesn't happen to you. Do not, I repeat, do not join the gym. It's as simple as that.
