There are very few things in this world that we as a species seem to be able to agree on. The only thing that I imagine could garner a common international consensus is that anyone who still thinks 'poking' someone on Facebook constitutes an acceptable form of flirting ought be sent to some kind of hastily constructed gulag, perhaps in Laois? Otherwise I think even the most seemingly innocuous topic will reveal a plethora of conflicting opinions and viewpoints.
Until now that is.
I feel pretty confident in saying that, were you to stop anyone in the street and ask them "What do you propose to be the best means of tackling the threat of gun violence and mass shootings in American schools," you would be confident of receiving one answer and one answer alone. Without fail, any person you posed this question to would pause, look you square in the eye and say, "Obviously the only reasonable solution is to provide school teachers with comically miniaturised baseball bats to thwart any potential attackers that may threaten them or their students."
As a solution it seems self-evident. If anything, all we should be asking ourselves is why has this not been implemented as policy sooner? However, there is no point regretting the faults of our past, we must take solace in the fact that one school district in Pennsylvania has decided to see sense. Millcreek School District have announced that they will provide 500 16-inch baseball bats to teachers so that they may defend themselves and their students if they ever have to confront a school-shooter.
Allow the video below to introduce you to, the bat.
Gaze upon the bat. Drink it in, every one of its sleek 16-inches. Let your eyes glide along it's shaft, and know fear. See how Superintendent Will Hall, with awed reverence, cradles the miniature bat between his hands. Superintendent Will Hall knows the power of the bat. Superintendent Will Hall seems bowed low by the weight of responsibility of being tasked with demonstrating the supreme destructive potential of such a potent weapon. He respects the bat and so, the bat respects him.
Perhaps the only saving grace in the midst of such a staggeringly baffling decision is the thought that the 500 teachers who'll be entrusted with wielding these hardened lengths of justice have had to undergo 'specialist training' in how to handle them in case of emergency. 500 teachers, attending a training seminar, presumably out of school hours. 500 teachers, sitting through a presentation where a man on stage takes everyone through a PowerPoint on miniature bat safety. Having to watch as one of the teachers from amongst their ranks is pulled up to join the man on stage to demonstrate how to properly hit a display mannequin with a miniature bat in front of the other 499 disinterested teachers.
The tiny bats will also, in the interests of safety and to stop these bats being used for ill, be locked away within each classroom. So that, in the horrific event that a legitimate emergency were to occur, the teacher could look to the class and say to them in calm and soothing tones, "it's okay, I've attended an out of hours evening workshop on bat handling. You are safe. We are all safe." Before quietly unlocking the bat from its protective housing and gripping its lithe, lean shaft, ready to dispense 16-inches of hard, wooden justice to whatever perpetrator is fool-hardy enough to think they're ready to tussle with the bat.
People of America, shelve any plans to drive for gun reform. It is not needed. The miniature bats are here to protect you.