An Idiot's Guide To Meeting The Parents For The First Time

So you've bagged yourself a gf/bf and now, as well as putting up with all of their shit, you have to put up with their families shit too. (Seriously lads, just stay single.) But sure look, they wanna show you off so just grin and bear it. Here are a few fool-proof tips to help you make a memorable impression when you do meet the 'rents.

1. Fuck Doing Your Research

Listen, you can spend days asking your other half every single detail you can think of so that you won't fuck up when you've had a few glasses of wine. And you know what? You'll still do something like joke about how you once almost lost your leg to gangrene, and at that moment his uncle will hop in with a stump.

2. Dress Like You're Going To Coppers

Who are we really kidding, wearing a suit/a tweed skirt and pearls? If they're gonna get to know the real you, they gotta accept your crop tops and short skirts. Maybe lose the bunny ears though.

3. Embrace That Hickey

Oh no, you're meeting the folks and you realised you have a fucking nasty hickey on your neck. You COULD cover it up, but you're being a bit untruthful aren't you? Strut in with it on show and if there are any raised eyebrows just say "hey, it was your kid who did this."

4. Bring A Gift

It's never a good idea to arrive somewhere empty-handed. Who doesn't love a little gift? And if it's personalized it really shows that you care. So when you get there, plaster on a big smile and say "Nice to meet you Mrs _____, here's some whiskey because Dave said when you drink it it's the only time you're not a moany bitch."

5. Reveal All About Their Son/Daughter

These parents need to know how amazing their offspring is. I mean, you're happy being with them right? But maybe stick to stuff like how they took you out for a fancy dinner and not how they give you a mind-blowing orgasm every time they go down on you. Just a suggestion though, it's up to you.

6. Brag About Your Accomplishments

Swap "I failed half of my college modules and spent my holidays working in my local to pay for re-sits" for "Yeah so I spent last summer in Tahiti teaching blind goats to make shell necklaces." They'll be sooo impressed.

7. Tell Them You Planned On Being A Nun

Me? Oh Jesus, I'm a virgin. Christ yeah. My Aunt is actually a nun. Celibacy runs in my family. No sex til marriage and all that.

8. "I'm Not Unemployed"

"And what do you want to do after college?" The dreaded question. I don't think "backing dancer to Drake" is gonna cut it here. Pull out a cigar, lean back in your chair and say something about being a bohemian and bumming around the globe. Throw in a Hemingway quote for good measure. You'll be golden.

9. Have A Solid Joke/Story Prepared

One good joke or story and you're set. Everyone loves it. Just leave out all the ones that start with, "right so I was locked off my face..." I know it doesn't really leave you with much. FFS, I suppose a "Knock Knock" is always a steady back-up.

10. PDA All The Way

Hey, you're only professing your love for each other. And sure you lowered your standards waaay down when you said yes to getting with them, so they should be happy the absolute hack of their child has anyone at all.

11. Get Hammered

Who has more fun when they're locked? Everyone? Enjoy that crate of beer and bottle of wine, it's stressful work trying to show off your best assets for a few hours to prospective in-laws. Just try and avoid calling his sister's baby "a bit ugly" and you should be fine.

12. Flirt With One Of The Parents

Wait, what? Giving a handjob to your boyf's dad is frowned upon? Shit. Maybe pass on this one. Unless you've followed through with point 12, then you can blame the booze.

13. Swear Like A Sailor

It's scientifically proven that the more you curse, the more honest and trustworthy you actually are. So shove that in your fucking pipe and smoke it.

14. To Fuck Or Not To Fuck?

The age-old "where will I sleep?" conundrum. No parents relish the thought of their kid having sex under their roof. But where else is safer, really? So I say go for it. Sneak in to your SOs bedroom. And if you're caught at least you always have "eh, do you not want grandchildren?" to throw in their faces. Good luck!!