You may just have received a place on the college course of your dreams... Or you might be doing Orts in UCD, either way there are plenty of things you need to look out for on your first week of college first and foremost is the dreaded mature student!
Friends and foes alike band together in solidarity against the threat of the Mature Student, a mysterious creature that inhabits lecture halls up and down the country. Innocent and humble upon first sight, this fearless hunter stealthily preys on our dreams of a cringe-free day with devastating consequences, leaving out hearts a barren wasteland in its wake.
Those among us who have never experience a Mature Student in its natural habitat will know nothing of the pain, the unendurable pain, it inflicts willy nilly. It is a compassionless fiend whose one goal is to wreak havoc and send shivers of anguish down the spines of those around it.
Its favourite past times include debating with lecturers in a room of 300 students, answering too many questions and sitting to eagerly up the front of the lecture. This devil-ape will have you gnawing on your copy books in desperation. They often come from far and wide to spread their message of doom to their unsuspecting victims. Don't be deceived by the apparently harmless Australian or English accent, they are satanists who just want to watch the classroom burn. Their preferred delicacy is the souls of the unwitting, crushed helplessly by the absolute crust of the situations they instigate.
Beware the mature student, for it spreads enmity and frustration at every opportunity. Do not let it come between you, for if it does this will surely be the end, but rather struggle on in your daily fight for survival under its ever-watchful, opportunistic eye. If all else fails and you find yourself sinking under a wave of despair, satisfy your burning anger by delivering a roundhouse kick straight to the thorax, the Achilles Heal of the Mature Student.
