I understand your pain, we've all been there. It's 8pm. It's a Friday. Your eyeballs are so dry that blinking has become an extra-curricular activity in itself. You haven't eaten anything but dry pasta and cereal all week and you'd happily serve real, hard jail time for a bit of meat. You're lugging a thrice too large suitcase behind you in the cold and your hands are in danger of suffering frostbite while the rest of you, under real, serious strain now, begins to sweat in an irritating, clammy fashion. Another college week is over and by now, all you want to do is collapse into the nearest seat and chh chh charge all the way home to your Mammy's dinner of meat and two veg. I believe in you, you've made it this far.
Now sit back, push some idiot off your reserved throne and listen to the soothing sounds of fools soothe you to sleep. Here are some things we've all overheard on the train and you my weary little wonder, are no exception:
1) "Text him, I think you should just text him Sinead. Why not? Go maaaaaad!"
Poor old Sinead. All she wants to do after a tough night of dancing in her (Penney's, €20) highest of high heels is to close her sensitive little eyelids and let the fear wash over her like a gentle bubble bath. What she does NOT want is Aisling, Aoife, Sarah and Fiona hanging around her like a bad smell, pestering her about last night's conquest (Coppers, GAA player, standard looking, you know the score). She'll humour them anyway though and probably, secretly love it. The little divil.
2) "I'm so hungover I might actually die, No seriously. ACTUALLY."
No, you're not actually going to die, let's just get that straightened out from the outset. You're hungover. You probably feel as though you'll never be able to satisfy that inner thirst and you've probably eaten an entire Italian restaurant over the past nine hours, but you're not going to die from this. Have some water, have some food, have some quiet time.
3) "I have sooooooooo much college work to do, it's a bloody joke."
Pretty sure that's not a joke Séan. I mean yes, I could very well be wrong, it very well may be a big, fat lol worthy joke that I'm just not in on because that tends to happen a lot, but probably not. Going out three times a week and attending roughly four hours of lectures is not a stellar student, going to make. Sorry, how very 'your mother' of me. Seriously though, how very dare you.
4) "Thanks SO much for replying to my Whatsapp, by the way."
Always, always uttered by some pissed off girlfriend after her boyfriend of 19.5 (to be exact) months fails to reply to her fifth passive aggressive message of the day. When poor old John fails to pick up on the not so subtle vibes being sent over his way, he will find himself faced with the world's most short sentenced, clipped worded phone call, most likely ending in words like 'fine', 'whatever', 'suit yourself', 'do whatever you want' and 'I can't actually be dealing with this right now', all leading up to a phone slam and a series of quick tuts and long sighs.
5) "I'm so hungry I might actually lie down and cry right now."
I get that you're hungry, peckish, that you haven't eaten in hours and probably have nothing more than a fiver to your little name, but don't cry. Hold yourself together. Stay strong. Take a deep breath. Remain cool, calm and collected. Please don't cry, because crying people make me very, very uncomfortable and this example is no exception whatsoever.
6) "I'll be home in two hours, come pick me up, please. I said TWO hours Dad."
What is it about Father's and their complete lack of ability when it comes to holding a phone conversation at a respectable, normalised level? They can speak to you in person using generalised, almost hushed tones. But then a phone (touchscreen to really throw them off) is added into the mix and suddenly things become real complicated, real fast. Oh deary, deary me...
7) "I'm one hundred percent not going out this weekend."
And to be fair to you, you actually, probably mean it. You probably have long winded, far-fetched visions of sitting in, of sipping hot tea and of cat-walking throughout the house in your finest selection of onesies. But then, try as you might, you'll slowly but surely begin to fail in your quest to battle off 'out tonight?' texts and essay like group Whatsapp's organising pre-drinks in the girlies house. Ok, just the one...
8) "I really just can't be dealing with my Mother this evening."
The woman birthed you, raised you throughout even the most tumultuous of years, wiped how many bits of food from your mouth and now? Well, now she's funding your fabulous little lifestyle and the very bloody least you owe her is two hours of conversation about your week and how uneventful (lies) and studious (bigger lies) it all was. Go on, be niiiice.
9) "Now if you'll excuse me, I need to nap, sorry for being so anti-social."
It's been a tough week for poor old Sandra over there. (Yes, I am aware that literally nobody is called Sandra anymore, but just go with it, ok?) She's had to get up before 11am at least twice. She's had to write a grand total of two and a half half-arsed essays and honestly, she wishes her friends would shut the hell up, if even for ten minutes because she needs to nap and that's just that. Oh and she's not in the slightest bit sorry for being anti-social, she's just sorry that you exist, to be honest.
10) "I'd rather be broke for the next month than go home and work this weekend."
That's just life though, isn't it pal? Life doesn't just sit around and offer you roses in return for ranting at your failed group of assignment buddies. Life doesn't want you to enjoy yourself too much because that'd be cheating when you think about it. So stop complaining, have a coffee, have a nap, have a Kit Kat (ooohhh Kit Kats) if that's your thing, and then go home and work like the slave machine that I know you really are. <3
11) "Stop crying, stop crying, JUST STOP IT SÍOFRA."
Little Síofra (fadas must, MUST be included) didn't get the quinoa and sesame homemade snacks that her Mummy made from the Happy Pear cookbook (#eatclean) and now she's throwing an almighty bloody tantrum. Instead of throwing her some quiet, threatening words of warning like our own, less cultured Mothers did back in the day, Mummy dearest believes in speaking to her six-year-old like an adult, of being on her level. Slip the little shit some chocolate and watch it quieten down faster than you can say 'lentil', I say.
12) "Who the hell is Mike and why is he texting me?"
Ahhhh, the classic story of Romeo & Juliet albeit, modernised. It's likely that mike was befriended somewhere in the vicinity of the bar last night and all conversation was fuelled purely via shots of Tequila and knowing fourteen of the same people (twelve of whom both parties despise somewhat). They both fell for one another on a whole, new and wonderous level and now? Well now, Mike is infatuated and Roisín? Well, she has little to no recollection of the whole thing. Oooops.
13) "I'd probably murder a sandwich right now. Literally murder."
Yeah, please don't murder anyone, that may be a slightly aggressive, slightly unnecessary step too far. Maybe, definitely. I understand that you're hungry, hangry and everything in between right now and that's awful, it truly is (can't you hear the empathy in my voice?), but you're on a train mate, just have a sandwich and stop your whining. Tuna or ham?
14) "Set that radius reeeeeeeeealllll short and let's play a game of train Tinder."
Whatever about matching and then finding you've been unmatched (oh the short, sharp shame of it all) out in the big, bad real world, being rejected on a train when you're stuck with your rejectors is just too embarrassing for words. Still, it might come in handy when you're sitting opposite some complete hottie and are too socially inept to strike up a conversation with them. Swipe, swipe, horray!
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