You know in movies when they capture a spy and then torture them for information by starving them of food? That's the exact definition of dieting (without the getting information bit). You have to stop eating all the delicious food you love and start moving on a thrice daily basis. Ew. Dragging your lazy ass out of bed before the butt crack of dawn, to then move your body around vigorously and feel things jiggle that you didn't even know jiggled. What's the point? Hopefully, these 12 very valid and very real reasons will be enough to convince you to stop this madness, once and for all!
1) Chocolate, Just Chocolate
Chocolate bars, cake, ice-cream, brownies, rocky road, sauce, melted chocolate with marshmallows, melted chocolate with strawberries.....
2) You Need Your Sleep
If you're like me and you can't function without your 10 hours of sleep, then you will fucking hate exercising. You have to cut back on your precious sleep time and get up before college or work and do something active. Could you be actually be arsed? No, the answer is no.
3) Your Social Life Will Suffer
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If you don't get up early to do your healthy thing, that means you have to do it after work and college and that cuts down on your social life including many drunken nights plus many meals. Bye bye, fun nights with friends. You loser.
4) Fry Ups In General
There's nothing better than lying around in bed and then getting up and making a deliciously greasy fry with rashers, sausages, eggs, pudding, and toast. How could you turn that down?
5) Your General Sanity
Once you decide to go on a diet, it dictates your whole life. You'll always be thinking about it. When your co-workers say, "Hey, wanna go somewhere for lunch?" you can't because the temptation to eat something fucking deliciously bad for you is too much, so you stay in and eat your shitty homemade salad instead.
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6) More Spare Time
When you're not on a diet you have so much time to do things. You don't lose an hour of your life listening to a far too happy instructor on your telly torturing you. You have that hour and you can do whatever you like. Some me time, if you will.
7) Pizza, Mmmmm Pizza
Thick or thin. Cheese or BBQ base. Pepperoni or Hawaiian. There are so many different types. How could you stop having pizza, I mean, really?
8) Have You Seen Workout Clothes?
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Workout clothes not only cost a lot, but are normally skimpy. You don't want to be too hot during the hour of torture, so you normally wear capris or shorts. That means you have to shave your legs because people in the gym don't want to see your hairy gorilla limbs and that, my friends, is a whole lot of effort if you ask me.
9) No More Guilt
When on a strict diet, you'll feel guilty for stepping out of your army regulation diet and having a sneaky chocolate bar. The guilt is soul destroying and makes you feel like a failure. Why would anyone want to feel that? Eat whatever the hell you want.
10) Alcohol, No More Alcohol
Everyone's best friend and a silent killer to boot. You think it's just a liquid, but the invisible carbs will make you cry real Jesus tears.
11) Toast, Buns, Croissants, Doughnuts, Pastry In General
Light, fluffy, delicious and not so nutritious. *Sigh*
12) You Look Great Already Anyway
Don't let anyone tell you need a diet, and if they do, don't believe them. There's more to life than having a "perfect bikini body" and going on diets. You go Glen Coco, I believe in you!
