Screw The System: How To Cheat On Your College Essay...

Okay, so with Christmas looming you've got a lot of assignments coming up right? And you really don't want to do them? Us neither, so come join us down here in the moral low ground with our easy-to-use cheating guide.

1. Plagiarise properly

The old copy and paste method alone simply won't do. You need to follow up with a thesaurus and change a few words to avoid detection. If you're copying from some PHD professor's article and there's phrases like 'the anomalist duplicity of Milton's prose', you may want to dumb it down so they don't smell a rat.

2. Manipulate the word count

Ever had to do a 2000 word essay and hit a brick wall at 1000? There are a few simple things you can do to help build it up some more. Change 'Shakespeare' to 'William Shakespeare', U.S.A should become the United States of America. When you're finished you need to write a conclusion, so just repeat exactly what you've been saying and pray you hit the 2000 word mark. Chances are you've been given a really long and boring question so pasting it at the beginning should eat up another 50 words. To your lecturer, the bibliography doesn't count, to you it does!


3. Send the wrong file to your lecturer

If you're stuck for time, send it in a file your teacher won't be able to open. If you have to e-mail your assignment, you can corrupt a Word document by opening it up in notepad, delete a few lines, and re-save it as an unreadable file. This trick all depends on how tech savvy your lecturer is, and their overall soundness.

4. Pretend you read books

Forget libraries. If you're doing an essay on something like 'relationships in Pride and Prejudice', type that exact phrase into Google Books. Pick the first scholarly book you find and lift a quote from it that has something remotely to do with what you want to say and boom! You've read a book! For referencing, the ISBN number is on the front page so scroll up and type it into Harvard Referencing Generator ( )and double-boom! Not only have you read a book, but you've fully referenced it too!

5. Lick up to your lecturers

Find your lecturers weak spots. Chances are he/she calls themself a doctor despite having as much credentials as Dr Dre, so you need to massage their ego even more. Refer to their own texts and essays they've written, and show how you've geniously came up with the same perspective as they did.

All these methods should help you scrape through the first semester. If you get caught, take the Lance Armstrong route and plead complete and utter ignorance for as long as you can.

David Keenan
Article written by
D.I.T and N.U.I.M graduate, socially retarded but a nice lad nonetheless

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