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Ah yes, it's that time of year. The time of year when people harp on about watching the sugarcoated, ridiculous, convoluted mess that is Love Actually.
The saccharine tone of the film may have melted your heart but mine remains cold, black and unflinching. Here are five reasons that Love Actually is a big steaming pile of muck.
1. There are way too many storylines
There are ten separate storylines... ten. Five would've been too many. Yes there are a lot of likeable actors that you will have enjoyed from other films but this doesn't mean that you can just throw them all into a sprawling monster and hope to have a good film by the end of it.
2. The plots interconnect for no particular reason:
Image courtesy of Freywa - Own work, CC BY-SA 3.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=14611169
Come on, this looks like a map of the London underground. How am I expected to keep up with all of these connections?
3. Mark is actually a creep
Mark's obsession with Juliet borders of perversion. While videotaping Juliet and Peter's wedding he focuses on uncomfortable close-ups on the bride. And then at the end of their story the infamous card scene, which ends in an innocent kiss. If I brought a boombox and started blaring music at some young one's porch while holding cards with my innermost thoughts on them the gards would be called.
4. Each plot is as ridiculous as the last
One of the stories is about the Prime Minister of England in a weird love triangle with his secretary and the President of the United states of America!
Another is about a pair of adult actors that are comfortable in scenes together yet shy in real life.
Sam is waaaaay too 'with it' for a kid. He is convinced he has met the love of his life. When I was eight years old I was only worried where my next pack of Pokemon cards was coming from. That was love for me. Also he has fallen for a girl with the same name as his dead mother. I think he needs counselling.
Also Colin's storyline where he goes to America to basically get the ride because no British birds will have him is horribly contrived. And it works! the American women throw themselves at him! I've been to America and that does not work in practice.
5. The dialogue
"Get a grip. People hate sissies. And no one's going to shag you if you cry all the time", is what Emma Thompson's character says to Liam Neeson's character AFTER HIS WIFE DIES.
"Try my lovely nuts" & "I'm on Shag Highway heading West!" are both coined by the brainless Colin.
And when the dialogue isn't crude and unnecessary it's clichéd and mawkish with numerous 'love' truisms scattered throughout the 136 minute runtime. 'Love is all around', ' 'Tell her that you love her. You’ve got nothing to lose and you’ll always regret it if you don’t', 'true love lasts a lifetime' etc. etc.
