Happy New Year everyone! Along with celebrations come the resolutions, and all the crap that everyone comes out with on January 1st. Here are some things you're bound to hear around campus this month...
'New year, new you.'
STFU
'This is my year.'
You say that every year.
'I'm going on a diet.'
That's not a bad idea.
'I'm doing a detox.'
Probably sensible, as you are now 40% whiskey.
'I'm on a juice cleanse after Christmas.'
See above.
'I've joined a gym.'
Let's see how long you keep that up...
'I'm not drinking for a month: dry January.'
See above.
'I'm only having organic food this year.'
After you return to the drink, I doubt you'll care what's in your breakfast roll when you're hungover.
'I'm thinking of giving up meat/gluten/carbs.'
So basically, the nice stuff? Good luck.
'I'm definitely going to quit smoking this year.'
You're literally smoking a cigarette right now.
'I'm taking up a new hobby.'
I'll be impressed if you make it to more than three classes.
'I'm definitely breaking up with him this year.'
I'll believe that when I see it.
'I'm definitely getting over him this year.'
I'll believe that when I see it.
'I'm definitely finding love this year.'
I'll believe that when I see it.
'If I start saving now...'
Don't even finish, we both know you're going to blow all your savings in the January sales. And your rent.
'Oh, this dress? January sales.'
God bless those discounts.
'Can you believe the sales?'
There are too many people everywhere! Get them away from me, I just want the clothes!
'I ate so much over Christmas.'
Ditto.
'I drank so much over Christmas.'
Ditto.
'New Years was a total letdown.'
Ain't it always the way?
'I'm definitely going to get through all the recommended reading this semester.'
Just like you'll definitely go to the gym twice a week?
'I'm not going to miss another lecture #goldenweekeveryweek.'
#nevergoingtohappen
'I can't wait to see everyone in college.'
I miss you all so much!!
'Eugh, I can't believe I have to go back to college.'
Why do I have three 9am starts this semester?? That's just cruel.
'I'm going to read so many books this year.'
If they aren't on the recommended reading list, you are not going to read them.
'Is it still winter or is it spring?'
Constant debate.
'When does that show start back?'
I need it more than oxygen.
'I'm cutting back on my Netflix this year.'
(As auto-play begins the next episode...)
'I really need to make more changes in my life.'
Don't we all.
'Resolutions are bullshit.'
No shit.
