New Years resolutions are up there with promises to cut back on our general hatred and that this year, we won't bitch quite so hard. In other words, we never follow through. You see, New Years resolutions, even by the most organised of standards, are something that nobody in their right mind could ever, ever adhere to. Try as you might, year after year, time and time again, you will fail in your attempts to be a better, fitter, hotter version of yourself. This year? Don't even bother..Here are New Years resolutions we never, ever stick to;
This year I will;
1) Overhaul My Diet
I will try, no really, I will. This year there will be no more pizzas, no more Chinese takeaways on a Tuesday and in its place, vast quantities of vegetables and fruit platters. This is a very real and honest resolution that, all jokes aside, we fully intend on keeping every single year. It's just that then New Years Day rolls around and with it rolls a huge fucking hangover, we have a huge need for salt and grease. Damn it, we were so close.
2) Finally Use/ Join The Gym
If you've actually got yourself a gym membership in the first place, then pat yourself on the back and consider it a success. Yes, you may not have stepped through the door since July, but don't let that deter you. The option is still there, you're hemorrhaging no less than €250 a year on something you don't use, but you actually have the option of using it and that is the main thing. For those of you who have yet to purchase a gym membership (starting in Janurary, promise) then here's some money saving advice. Don't do it. Save yourself and your wallet.
3) Find The Love Of My Life
No longer shall I waste time and effort texting that loser or kissing that saddo when I'm buzzed off my tits. I will be a stronger, shinier, better version of myself and that includes finally finding someone great and worthy of my time and attention and this shall be my main focus. Instead of hanging around crummy nightclubs, I shall work on being interesting, appealing and a great all rounder and this will then attract someone worthy of my time. That's the hope anyway.
4) Learn A New Language
It's too late, give up and go home. If you can barely string a sentence in Spanish together after six years of studying it in school, then you may have to face up to the fact that you're just untalented and will never have the sex appeal of a dark haired, bilingual beauty. Or you could just put some work in and see what happens. Whatever.
5) Save For A Rainy Day
For as long as I can remember, I've been telling myself that soon, soon I will start saving. I'm now nearing quarter age and have raided my only savings for a drinking session. That probably tells you everything you need to know about me. Honestly though, anyone with a decent savings account and especially during college is one hundred percent not living the true college experience and for that, you should feel pity and sorrow. We may be poor (for a long time) but at least we're happy (drunk).
6) See The World
The world is huge, vast, sprawling and largely unexplored by most of us, much to our dismay. To have a desire to get out there and see things beyond the norm (for you), is something that we should all want and need to do. Every year, we promise ourselves that this year will be different, this year we're going to tick some of these much lusted places off our list and yes, above all else we will try, but it's not all that achievable a goal really, when you think about it. Still, there's always next year, right?
7) Be More Organised In College
No more late nights, no more all nighters and last minute shitty assignments and skipping lectures, this semester will be different. Fuck golden weeks, it's going to be a golden semester, you can just feel it. Until of course, a damp, dark morning in January occurs and the effort of leaving your bed becomes all too much. Oh well...
8) Read More, Watch Less TV
How long have we polluted our minds with reality television? With Rom Coms so soppy that we feel somewhat queasy halfway through? Too long, far too long. This year, therefore, you're going to kill two birds with one stone and pick up a good book instead. This also has the added benefit of cutting down on electricity costs. At least, that's what you tell yourself. Then a cold night creeps in and with it, an urge to curl up in bed with the Kardashians (literally). Nice try.
9) Dump Them For Good, Finally
Is your shitty relationship dragging you down? Do you secretly suspect that your other half is a massive dickhead? Do you harbour a sense of dread as opposed to a sense of joy, at the thoughts of seeing their face? This is, you reckon, your year to shed that bad skin once and for all. You are young, fun, you can do better. But then an overwhelming sense of not wanting to die alone kicks in and you trudge on, dickhead close by. *Sigh*
10) Look Your Most Fabulous
Goodbye cheap clothes, alcohol facial spots and bad roots. This year I will be a whole new and improved me. New wardrobe, conditioned hair, great diet, clear skin. I'm practically reinventing myself, come January. Until January comes and you discover that you have no money left to go on this voyage of self improvement. Plaster on the make up, dim the lights and you're golden.
11) Stop Drinking So Much
This will never happen. Drink up.
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