The Leaving Cert has once again rolled around. For all of you out there who are now in the process of it all, don't worry. Once you get started it'll fly. It'll be graaand. We've all been there, sweating it out and wishing we were anywhere else but there. The most stressful part of the whole shitty process, has to be those few torturous minutes when you're sitting in that uncomfortable chair that moulds your back into all sorts of horrendous shapes, waiting impatiently for them to hand out the paper that'll spell the difference between going to WIT and going to a real college. Here are the most psychotic thoughts that go through your head around Leaving Cert time;
1) "Oh fuckitty fuck fuck, I've forgotten everything."
No, no you have not. It's all in there somewhere, promise.
2) "Oh fuckitty fuck fuck, I wish I'd learned something."
The following is key-waffle to the very best of your ability. Waffle just enough to get you into college, where you'll spend the next four years waffling too.
3) "I'm going to fail everything. I'll fail so badly I'll be the biggest failure in the history of the state."
Now don't be ridiculous, there will always be a bigger failure than you. Probably.
4) "What if nothing I've studied comes up this year?"
Something will. It most likely will. Unless you've only studied one chapter in two years. In which case...
5) "I think I'll get up and make a break for it."
This is not going to happen, stop fooling yourself otherwise.
6) "I wish I'd written the answer on my leg like those other sly bitches."
Now, now. Just because you're in a state of mental constipation, this does not mean that you should compromise your morals. Be an honest failure at least.
7) "Calculator, if you die on me I swear, I will break down."
This happened to me. Six years, for six fucking years it worked flawlessly and then twenty minutes into maths it said "day day". Bring a spare. Always bring a spare.
8) "I'm so sweaty in this uniform I think I may die."
Just don't think about those fortunate bastards who get to wear their normal clothes to sit their exams. We enjoy sitting in a layer of our own sweat for three hours anyway, honest.
9) "Is it possible for someones hand to fall off from excessive writing?"
Pretty sure that it's not possible. But yes, it hurts like a bitch.
10) "I should have brought extra Biro's, I only have eleven, what if they all run out. THEN WHAT?"
I'm fairly sure you'll be ok, you have ten back ups.
11) "Jesus Christ Maria looks awful calm. I bet the sneaky bitch has been studying mad on the sly. Selfish Bitch."
We all have that one friend who insist they haven't studied, yet come out with A's every time. Nobody is naturally that intelligent. They are lying to you.
12) "I wish I was drunk, I bet I'd do unbelievably well if I was drunk."
You wouldn't. This would just result in you handing up a paper covered in illegible scrawl and dribble. Hold out for the post exam session.
13) "Granny better have all of the candles lighting for me or I'll definitely fail."
Everything hangs on the hope that Granny has lit some candles. This is imperative to your success.
14) "What if I get so hungry halfway through that I collapse? I should have brought glucose sweets after all."
Hopefully you'll be too busy to be concerned about eating. If not, then just spend the minimum time you're required to sit there, dreaming of the feast you'll have afterwards.
15) "I wish I had paid someone to break my arm last week."
Ok, so yes, it would be great for a few days, but think of the pain and the fact that you'd have to spend the whole summer in a smelly cast.
16) "I'd rather die than have to do this all over again. My new life on the dole will be way better than this."
Hopefully you won't have to repeat, but on the chance that you will, then it could well be worth it in the long, non dole drawing, life plan.
17) "If people start asking for extra paper I think I'll stand up and kill them."
We all hate these fuckers. If you are one of these people, then just stop for a second and think about what you're doing to us less prepared individuals. Now feel bad.
18) "Oh sweet Mary on a bike, they're getting the papers, that's it, this is the end of my life."
This is not the end of your life. It's the beginning of a more free and most likely better one, whatever the outcome.
19) "Is it too late to change to Pass, even though I have an Honours paper in front of me?"
Yes, it is too late.Even if you don't do amazingly well in the honours paper it's probably going to gain you more points than a pass paper anyway. Best of luck everyone!