School. The place where obscure dreams went to die. Where nits ran freely and where angry girls forever and always left their physical and mental mark. Some of us look back on our school days with rose tinted glasses and fond memories. The rest of us, well, we're what I like to call normal. We remember it for what it really was; messy, bitchy and 90% a giant waste of time. Think about it, how many times have you used your x's, y's and osmosis since you've left? Rare to never ever, I'm guessing. So, step aside people, I've got this one. Here's what I reckon they should really have taught us in school:
How to survive on little to no money for four years of your life.
They talk about savings accounts and pensions but do I look 67? Don't you dare answer that. If they knew anything at all, it should be about getting through your college years running mainly on dry pasta, cheap beer and a deep buried sense of impending doom. Now, THAT would've been far more helpful.
How to not almost die of alcohol poisoning nine times over.
"Don't drink kids, because you will get sloppy and die", would surely have been enough to scare my sorry arse into not going halfsies on another value bottle of Vodka. But no. Instead, they skipped camply around the subject of alcohol on the whole and now? Well now, my Facebook feed is saturated with pictures of my unfocused eyes and my social life is but a fragmented dream. *Sigh*
How to handle the general dickbags of the world with more grace.
Foolishly, I trotted out of school on my last day filled with the false promise of no more backstabbing hoe-bags and two faced toe-rags. How very, very wrong I was. So dear teachers of the world, if you could bring us back in time, sit us down and provide us with several cutting lines to have at the ready for the certain bitchiness bound to come our way, well then, me and my ego would very much appreciate it.
How to cook something nutritious that isn't a scone.
Home Ec, or as it's more falsely referred to, 'how to be a perfect housewife-101', was great and all, but honestly if I was in charge (God forbid), I'd be more inclined to teach hungry students how to cook the perfect stir fry, as opposed to the nutritional value of a Victoria sponge, but hey, that's just me.
How not to text like a moron.
It's 2015. I understand that some of you are clearly grammatically challenged and all but really there are no excuses for using 2 instead of too, or confusing there, their and they're. Honestly, just an hour long class a week would make ensure that my Tinder experience was that much more pleasant. IDIOTS.
How to treat people with just a smidgen of respect.
Ever look at your parents or grandparents and envy the crap out of how easy they had it when it came to love? Back then there was no Tinder, no Whatsapp, no poking or joking around and most of all, they weren't constantly switched on, watching and waiting for something better to come along. Nowadays? Well, now we treat people as disposables, a quick shag, something to pass the time until something newer and hotter comes along. Some general emotion management and good, decent manners would have spared our tears a huge heap on maintenance.
How to handle a breakup with grace.
Following on from above, parents, as great as they are, haven't really got a clue what true, young heartbreak feels like, or if they do, they brush yours off as young love. "Breakups happen to us all, so any other news?", was my father's own touching sentiment. An adult influence in how to not be a phsyco during a breakup would have been really rather helpful. Hint hint.
How not to be selfish during sex.
I realise that this would mean going to a very different type of school, but in fairness, the percentage of ridiculously selfish sex buddies out there seems to be increasing by the day. IT'S A TWO WAY GAME PEOPLE.
Also, some more information on contraception would have been really helpful.
Because not having sex in college is just a bit far fetched really, isn't it? And Sister Chastity didn't warn me that the pill makes us ladies LOCO.
How to get through an interview without losing three pounds of sweat.
They taught us how to order a full fry up in a dying language, but somehow managed to skip interview skills. Really, I mean, really? It's like they were setting us up to fail from the very beginning, when you think about it.
How to travel like a pro adventurer.
I could tell you all about the Earth's crust, the effects of acid rain and the population of Slovenia, but when it comes to what's culturally appropriate in Japan and how to travel via rail across Europe, some insider knowledge and how to's would be far more helpful. Boot out the old Geography curriculum and get some real-world experience into the classroom, you hear? Maps at the ready folks...
How to cut out a toxic friend.
Most of the time we'll just naturally drift apart from old friends. Whether it's moving away or just moving on with your life, you'll stay in touch with the ones who truly matter and the rest, well, they'll fall away in some shape or form, but it's learning how to cope with the fallout of it all that nobody talks about. And now I feel so uncomfortable that I need a wash. Byyye.