The Stages Of Failing Your Exams

With exam season well and truly upon all students, there may be a bit of panic in the air. Having spent twice as much time in the pub compared to college during the semester, there may be some of you thinking that there's a huge possibility of failing your exams. Worry not students, failing isn't the end of the world. Here's a quick run through the stages of failing your exams and how to get through it, not that we don't believe in you or anything. Ahem....

1) Drink your fear away.

Initially finding out you failed your exams will seem like the end of the world and as much as drinking was the cause of your failure in the first place, it is now the immediate cure for your melancholy. Drinking will drown out the fear of McDonalds being your only future prospect. Be warned, this will get messy.

2) Rationalise.

As the alcohol begins to take hold, the rationalisation will start when you’re quizzed about your results. Topics will include grading on a bell curve and how you prepared using past papers, but this year the format changed. Anyone who knows you will know that you only went to one lecture all year and spent your revision time binging on Netflix, but they won’t say it and their blatant silent reassurance is music to your failing little ears.

3) Deny and place blame.

If you encounter anyone who has also failed, you can bond over your failure. You can collectively decide that it wasn’t your fault, that you were screwed over by the lecturer or that the questions weren't fair or just. This will lead to an enraged downing of drinks as you become more and more certain that there's clearly some conspiracy that has caused you to fail.

4) Figure out your options.

Waking up the next morning with a horrific hangover, you realise you have you have a coffee, devour some food and begin researching the possibility of resitting your exams or whether you'll have to repeat the whole module. This may mean contacting your lecturer or a tutor who maybe, just maybe, will tell you there has been some system error and you in fact passed. Most likely they will just tell you what you need to do to make the credits and send you, in your fragile, hungover state, on your way, the heartless b***ards.

5) Find some extenuating circumstances.

There is one last loophole. Extenuating circumstances are your friend. If you think you had some strain of the flu that is only found deep in the Amazon and you can get a doctor’s note to verify this, you should be in the clear. However, be careful because the stranger the reason, the more questions will be asked.

6) Tell your parents.

Repeats and resits can be expensive and if you don’t wanna spend all your holiday savings, then it may be necessary to tell your parents that you failed and will need them to pay for your repeats. Before the talk, prepare your excuses and your best sad-face and try not to smell of alcohol, that should help hugely.

7) Or don’t.

However, if you think your parents are likely to go all out and disown you for disgracing the family name, then maybe keep it to yourself and try pick up a few extra shifts in work.

8) Contact your smart friends.

Once you realise you're set to repeat your exam, you should contact any of those people on your course who seem to collect A’s for a living. Most likely these people have some serious notes and since they aced the exam, they won’t need them anymore. Just because you failed the first time, doesn't mean you should do all the work to pass next time.

9) Accept the truth and drink.

It looks like you'll be repeating or resitting so all you can do now is accept the harsh reality. Of course you should look to pass these repeats but they’re normally a few months in the future and for the moment you should find the remnants of your drink from the previous night, call up some friends and enjoy the holidays while you can.

Sean Galligan

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