There are a lot of people out there who are very fast to stereotype any non city dwellers as "Culchie fucks."Harsh? Life is harsh, dear reader. It seems that when you live your life outside the pale, you may as well be living in a bog swamp for all the respect you'll garner. Not to worry, they'll come running to us when they want food and fuel. WE HOLD THE POWER. Here are the most common Culchie stereotypes you'll hear and here I will inform you whether they are fact or fiction. Let the myth busting commence;
1) All Culchies smell.
Excuuuuuuuse me. How very, very dare you. Who made you the king of smells anyway? Here's a tip, go for a little spin on a Dublin Bus on a hot day and we'll see who smells then. Ok so yes, you're going to get the odd smelly old bachelor but you'll get that in Cities too. Verdict? Fiction.
2) Everyone down the country is inbred.
This is very unfair. Only some people down the country are inbred. What, do you think that because there isn't that much to do, (clearly you've never been down the country around the Summer time, Mother of God, you'd be worked from day break until the kettle can't boil anymore) that we just ride our relations? Nonsense. Only a select few are into that. Verdict-Mainly fiction.
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3) They're all sheep shaggers down there.
In all of my years of living in the country, I've never seen a sheep being shagged by a human being. Perhaps this is because they do it at night in the warmth of their homes, nice thought for you there. Really though, if there are people out there shagging sheep then it is no laughing matter. They must have been turned down by their cousins. Verdict-Fiction.
4) Being a vegetarian Culchie is illegal.
Being vegetarian down the country isn't illegal in the strictest sense of the word, more that it's heavily frowned upon. People will try and understand your new way of life, but realistically they don't want to. Unless you're a coaliac, don't try and tell a Culchie about your dietary requirements, you'll be classified as having "notions" and "have lost the run of yourself". I once brought a vegetarian friend home and my Father asked her was there something wrong with her. Lesson learned. Verdict-Pretty much fact.
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5) Tractors are a Culchies main mode of transport.
Every Culchie knew that one family who were brought to school via a cow shite, covered tractor and thanked God that they were more fortunate. Unless you were that family, in which case I'd like to take this opportunity to offer you my condolences. It is partially untrue that tractors are the main mode of transport in the country. Shitty, animal smelling Jeeps however, are. Many's a trip to town was spent sitting on a 'clean' turf bag, whilst trying to avoid the muck on the floor and also being seen. You townies had it so easy. Verdict-Sadly, a fact.
6) All Culchies hate Dubs.
Negative. We only hate some Dubs, just as Dubs hate some Culchies. The fact of the matter is, that irregardless of where in Ireland someone comes from, if they don't have substantial road frontage and a daycent strong surname then they'll never be accepted into our lives with warm, open arms. Verdict-Mainly fiction.
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*This point was dictated by Culchie parents around the country.*
7) We're all amazing at GAA.
Now this is really down to geography. For example, if you're from the midlands then it's widely accepted that the only sport you'll excel in is turning sods and making others nod off with your momentous, flat accent. If you're from a county more renowned for it's sporting achievements, then the need to succeed irregardless of talent, has likely been bate into you from birth. Doesn't mean you enjoy it mind you. Bet you wish you were from Longford now. Verdict- Clearly fiction.
8) Pubs down the country only serve Guinness and Tayto.
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Ooh you think you're just so sophisticated in the cities, what with your 'craft beers' and 'gourmet crisps'. Well I'm here to tell you that it was far from craft or gourmet anything, that you were rared. A sign of a true, salt of the earth, Culchie pub is determined by the number of beverages they have on tap. More than five and we're not interested. Listen out for the out of towner in your local. They'll order some obnoxious beer and the whole entire pub will go silent. Get back down off your high horse there love. Then please vacate the premises. Verdict-Partly factual.
9) All Culchies are taught how to drive at the age of 12.
Culchies have a great advantage when it comes to driving. We're likely to have been driving around in the family shit mobile, since we were mere young wans. As every Culchie knows, learning to drive a tractor is the first step in proving yourself as a worthy human being. Turning 16 in America means you have a 'Sweet Sixteen', turning 16 in rural Ireland means you can finally apply for your tractor licence. WINNING. Verdict-Class fact.
10) Drink driving is a key part of Culchie life.
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Thanks for this Jackie Healy Rae of sunshine. Thanks to you, the more sophisticated sector of Ireland now considers anyone living within a 5 mile radius of a stone wall, to be a skilled drunk driver. Yet, it is sort of true, as every parish scattered around rural Ireland has their token pissheads. In a city, or a place where people have cop on, they'd have been banned from the road many moons ago. Not us though. No, we regard them as being amusing, a token of everyday life and as we watch their car once again swerve onto the wrong side of the road, we can only say "Oh there goes John Joe again, the little scut.". Verdict-Worryingly a fact.
11) Matches are to us, what Christmas is to City folk.
There is no possible way to hide from the 'match'. Entire villages will be visible from outer space, due to the excessive amounts of bunting that are wrapped around everything from signposts, to headstones, to the local nursing home. Which, when you think about it, is targeting none of your target audience. The big match rolls around and not even the sheep are spared from a pronto paint job. Christmas on the other hand, well, does a set of fairy lights outside the post office count? Verdict-Total fact.
12) Culchies have a shite sense of style.
There is only one fair way to determine the answer to this statement. Hit up the local church clientele after any Sunday mass. Forget seeing all of the best dressed outside the local chipper at four in the morning, this is where all of the action happens. Not literally I hope. It's a widely known fact that Culchies wear their finest glad rags on a Sunday, purely to be told that you look "only salubrious". These are the ones who'll walk into mass late and walk right up the aisle, ensuring everyone sees and admires them. "Oh you look fabaaaalous Bridie." CUT OF HER. Verdict-Obvious fact.
13) Every single Culchie owns a bit of land.
For all of you confused and naive townies out there, I want to clear one final thing up. Not every single Culchie in the country is actually a farmer. On behalf of all Culchies we are so sorry to burst your little bubble, but we feel it's time you know. Realistically, there isn't that much land in Ireland, so statistically it makes zero sense that we'd all be farmers. Just because we live near a field, does not mean that we own said field. Wait, we hear you say. So if you're not a farmer then you're not really a Culchie are you? I.Give.The.Fuck.Up. Verdict-Fact, you fool.
