Generally I'm all for people wanting to go out and try new things, maybe try a healthier lifestyle and take up a new hobby. Exercise is something that I probably need and am most definitely not getting enough of, so I decided to go do that. It looks like it might be fun and it's free - besides all the important and imperative gear. Here's to trying new things and getting healthy now that the summer is rapidly approaching.
You get all the kit, because we all know you can't go jogging if you don't have a decent pair of runners, leggings and a sports bra. It is impossible. It doesn't even merit considering going running without them. Which is totally the sole reason why you haven't gone for a jog before, obviously. So you purchase all the gear, including sports bottles, and maybe even an armband for your smartphone. After that, it's time to put together a playlist of music that is either full of pumping bass tunes or angry rock - something to keep you pumped. Only when you have accumulated all the appropriate gear do you move onto stage two.
2) Eager Investigation
You read up on jogging articles, look up google images of people jogging, you even look out your window and see other people jogging. It doesn't look too hard, right? Most look like it's a breeze. You check out an appropriate route, one not too long that doesn't include a lot of slopes that is also, hopefully, near to where you live. You're eager and totally believe you can do it. Every able-bodied person in your life seems to do it anyway. If they can, you can.
3) Nervous Reluctant Beginnings
You've set aside an appropriate time to head off on your first jog, you've dressed yourself in the appropriate gear and have your phone loaded with tunes and charged to the max and secured neatly in your armband. You literally have no more excuses. Every single muscle in your body is screaming at you to turn around and binge on Netflix and carrot sticks instead. But no, you've made a promise to yourself. Plus, it's just running how hard can it be? A few stretches and you're good to go.
4) Instant Regret
Why is this so hard? It's like all that walking was for nothing! I walk up and down like four flights of stairs every single day, how am I this unfit? I cannot breathe. My legs feel like they are about to fall off. People do this for fun?? What is wrong with people?? How do they make this look so easy? I actually feel like I might pass out, or throw up, or explode, or melt away. I honestly don't know what is happening to my body right now.
5) The Aftermath
Once you get back to your home you collapse in a puddle of sweat and pain. You lay there for some time, until your housemates discover you and ask if you'd like them to move you. You regretfully pull yourself up and head to the shower to clean off the highly visual sheen of sweat that is covering your entire body. In the mirror you notice that your face is not unlike a tomato, your hair is a mess and your t-shirt is soaked through. You are one sexy beast. One thing's for sure, sleeping will be no problem tonight.
6) The Next Day
You have pains in muscles that you didn't realise you ever had and you're pretty sure you wouldn't have needed for jogging - although you're evidently incorrect. You are stiff and tired but feel accomplished. You did it! Now it's just a matter of motivating yourself to do it again! Good luck, you will definitely need it. You're well on your way to becoming a fitness champion. Before you know it, you'll be drinking kale smoothies and steamed chicken with brown rice. Or maybe you'll stay inside and hope that you don't binge too much on junk food and that all your dancing at the club on Friday nights will keep your weight down.