Three things men, and three things women can do, so we all get on better.

Men: Stop making sandwich jokes…

We’ve all heard it said before. It usually elicits a laugh from the lads and sends girls eyes skyward accompanied by an exhausted sigh. Lads, this remark is insensitive and offensive; women can be far more creative than the simple sandwich. While the virtues of the bread based wonder are well known, it is insulting to pigeonhole their culinary skills. Try and find the time to vary the menu by making a witty pasta, roast lamb, or stir fry comment; perhaps get seasonal with a turkey and ham jibe. You’ll find the eyes won’t rise so quickly and the sighing will become a hearty laugh.


Women: Treat man-flu with the seriousness it deserves…

An itchy throat. Sniffy nose. Puffy eyes. A headache. Do these sound pleasant? It has been proven in several studies that man-flu (third most deadly disease affecting men) is debilitating in the extreme. Symptoms common to the female version of the disease are amplified in the male form up to ten fold, rendering the man incapacitated and not capable of anything but moaning on the couch. You may be able to continue as normal when you have woman-flu, but we can’t and sympathy is the only known cure for man-flu.



Men: Help women to understand our ‘nothing box’…

When a man answers a question asking about what he’s thinking with the non-descript return, “Nothing”, that is EXACTLY what is going on and there is no need for further inquiry. Men have an innate ability to sit, hand on crotch and remote control in the other, and be thinking absolutely nothing. Men, women do not understand this and it is our duty to reinforce that when in our nothing box, nothing is happening; our brains are in effect, devoid of cognitive neural activity and acting merely as a life support machine. I hypothesise that many of the “I told you on Tuesday…”, “I asked you to do this a week ago…” and “Do you not remember?” arguments arise from instances when the woman has approached the man when he is in his nothing box. Ladies, you need to recognise the signs of the nothing box (crotch and remote hand) and draw us out from it before continuing the conversation.


Women: Stop making it so difficult for us when you’re in your pseudo nothing box…


Women have a pseudo nothing box which is in and of itself a very dangerous place. When in the pseudo nothing box, a woman will give replies like “I’m fine”, “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s okay don’t worry about it”. Even on second asking, there is a very high likelihood that the response will be much the same. When this is the case it is a sure sign that she is in the pseudo nothing box. It should sound like a clarion call to men to gently pursue the conversation, as there is something important she wishes to discuss. The pseudo nothing box is impervious to direct questioning. As such, pursuing the conversation involves a complicated routine of verbal gymnastics, as the pseudo nothing box is a volatile place. Gently, carefully, continue until she reveals the crux of the issue. Then be sound and help her out.


Men: Learn to admit when you’re wrong…

Men, it came as a big shock to me but I have recently learnt that we can in fact be wrong…I know this has likely caused you to furrow your brow in confusion but embrace the incredulity, as it happens to be true. Think about it, when was the last time you scored 100% in an exam? This translates into everyday life believe it or not and there are many instances where we will actually be wrong. Previously, even when I kind of knew it might be the case, I would do as any man would and forge on regardless of all the unequivocal evidence to the contrary. The best thing to do in this case? Apologise and hold your hands up. I know this word is foreign to many of us so please see below for a definition.


Women: Stop asking us loaded questions you already know the answer to…

Which colour do you prefer? Men see seven colours and black and white. Even indigo and violet are hard to tell apart. You’ve made your mind up anyway.
Which dress do you prefer? Honestly, you look fine in both and again, you’ve made your mind up anyway.
Do you think she’s out of line? I think she’s out of line of whatever line you think I should. It’s just easier this way.
Do you think she’s attractive? You clearly think we do so the answer is probably yes. Don’t make us say it. Lads a little gem that is always a good exit – “She’s alright but she wears too much makeup.”

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Ignatius J Reilly
Article written by
I invented the ampersand and question mark.

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