Ahhh the first date. Nerve wrecking times. What if we've got nothing to talk about? What if s(he)'s a dick? There is a lot you can't actually control about a first date, but what you can control is where you go. Get that right and you've a much better chance of success. So, to help you out, I've compiled a list of the worst places you could go on a first date. Unless they pick the place. In which case, I cannot help you. Good luck!
9) The Cinema
Whoever came up with the horrendous idea that sitting beside a virtual stranger for two hours, in the dark, not being able to speak and trying to act cool whilst someone gets the ride on a massive screen that you can't avoid, all adds up to one of the most skin crawlingly awkward experiences of all time. It's fine if you're together long enough to be comfortable sitting in the dark but unless it was "ermergerd lurrrve" at first sight, then this is unlikely. AWKS.
What is it about eating in front of strangers that makes some so uncomfortable? Not everyone of course, there are lots of people out there who'd happily eat a bucket of chicken wings in front of the Queen and not bat an eyelid. For all of you awkward people though, I can empathise, it pains me to eat in front of anyone that is not my family or myself. Sitting directly across from a stranger, whilst trying not to savagely digest the whopper feast in front of you is difficult enough, add food in teeth paranoia to this and you're destined for failure.
A first date is probably not the ideal time to showcase your 'Riverdance meets Ghetto' dance routine. Of course, sooner or later they'll see you in all of your drunken stupor but until then it's probably best to hold out and leave an air of mystery wafting around. You are a mystical creature who does 'not drop it like it's hot' or buy shoulders of whiskey for your toilet refills. Also, if they see you vomming, it's curtains.
6) Local Pub
Now I'm not suggesting you don't go for a drink, a minor amount of alcohol can help to numb the painful awkwardness, make them and you seem funnier and also make your date seem far more attractive. Do it. Just don't do it in your local pub where you're likely to bump into your Uncle, old Irish teacher and all two of your ex's. "So who is thissss???".
5) Cosy Night In
It's the date that we all really want but can't really admit to wanting. Whoever suggests it will look like a creep who's purely in it for the ride and whoever turns it down will look like a prudish, dry bastard. Just stick to safe territory and leave the confines of your house. Save it for the second date, winking face.
4) The Zoo
The Zoo is a great place to go when you've been with someone for a while, but under no circumstance is it ever a good idea for a first date. It's actually a pretty terrible idea. If, as is likely to happen, you have a few awkward silences, you're stuck walking around looking at non communicating animals for seemingly endless painful hours. Also, as this is Ireland, you're likely to get pissed on at some point. There is not much cover in the Zoo. Animal smells plus no chat plus rain equals-AWKS.
3) Scenic Walks/ Hiking
Thankfully, there are very few people out there who would suggest a date like this but alas, they do exist, worryingly for us all. If you are one of these walking wankers then here's a piece of advice. NOBODY WANTS TO GO ON A FUCKING WALKING DATE. This idea just smells of failure. So don't even attempt it. Now take a hike.
2) Family Meetings
Every single man/ woman out there dreams of being introduced to someones parents. "Oh hey Mam and Dad, this is my fuck buddy, we've been casually, drunkenly riding for the past few weeks and now we're having our first sober date'. NOT. Being introduced to someones parents when you're not officially a couple is mortifying. Also it's very creepy as a first date idea. Why so serious.
1) Swim Date
Sweet Christ on a boat, the very idea of this is making my heart beat a little too fast. Only a very vain idiot with an overwhelming sex drive would suggest the swimming pool as a first date idea. There are three main reasons for this. The first is that they themselves are more built than Dubai, the second is that they just want a sneaky preview of your bod and thirdly, they'll probably try and feel you up in the steamroom. You have been warned.