There is no good time to break up with someone. When does one pencil in a "must break someones heart today" date? Does one wake up one morning and think, fuck it, may as well just ruin someones year and tell them that I kind of despise them and never really want to see them again? There are, however, times when breaking up with someone is far more inappropriate than others. So read on and discover if you're a horrible person who has committed some of these crimes. Dickhead...
1) Valentines Day
Oh wow. This is low. Valentines day, a day of love, romance and hearts and you've just gone and trampled all over someones love parade, by telling them that you feel the very opposite of love for them. Cold hard hate. I do hope you're happy. You've just left another singleton alone with only their tears and a tub of Ben and Jerry's for company.
For (s)he's a miserable fellow. Birthdays come with the weight of expectation resting heavily on anticipating shoulders. What presents will I get? What cake will be baked for me? Where will I be brought this year? Well, sadly, the only place you're being brought is down the path of single sorrow. If you are the dumper,then just remember this, you've now eradicated every single joyous Birthday memory they've had up until this point. Hope you're happy.
3) Your Anniversary
My baby and I are together for seven amazing months today. Couldn't be any happier. Love you to the moon and back boo. Yeah. Am. I think we should break up. Cue having to change your Facebook relationship status. Cue, AWKS.
4) Any Time Over The Christmas Period
Christmassssss time, mistletoe and wine. Just wine now actually, because you, my friend, have been dumped. What a shitty time to be dumped. Christmas is suffocating with couples. Couples here, couples there, couples everyfuckingwhere. Just think of all of the Christmas parties that they now have to face alone, think of the presents they bought for you, now mere money down the drain. Think about that. You wanker.
5) Around A Funeral/ When Someone's Dying
Oh well this is just lovely. Lovely. I had so much respect for you before, but now it's just gone sky high. Oh I'm so sorry your relation is dying/ has died, by the way I don't think I have any black clothes to wear and oh before I forget, you're dumped. I think I just died a little inside thinking about what a horrible person you clearly are.
6) When You're Intoxicated
What could be more awkward than breaking up? Breaking up when you're hammered off your face and your twice as hammered ex, forgets about it the next day. Which is where you come in and do it awkwardly all over again the next day but with the addition of a whopper hangover. Karma baby.
7) At A Wedding
What better time to stamp all over your former beloveds heart, then at a celebration of someone else's love. It really hammers home the fact that whilst there are some people out there who are madly, deeply in love, you've just kicked your love straight into the face. Not literally I hope...
8) On Holidays
Do the decent, humane thing here and don't let your other (soon to be absent) half, board a plane to that Spanish resort, only for their dream romantic getaway to be crushed by the news that, oh by the way, I'm leaving you. Do you really want to blurt that out three days in and then have to sit through four days of silence and sobbing? Thought not.
9) In Front Of Friends
The dumpee will always play down the cold, hard facts, the hows and why's of why they were dumped, so at least spare them the humiliation of laying their faults and shortcomings bare and do it in private. Unless they cheated on you, in which case, I've now provided you with the perfect public shaming. You're so welcome!
10) In Their Family Home
Never, ever, ever do this. Unless you want to lose a vital organ of some sort, because this is the most likely outcome. They invite you down to the family home for the weekend, you're trying to avoid bonding any further with their family, because as much as it pains you to admit it, they're quite sound people. You can't take it any more, so you dump them. They clearly go running straight to their parents. The parents try not to put you through the window. You won't be spoken to or fed again and if you really are as stupid as I'm guessing, you won't have a car to drive away in as fast as possible. AWKWARD AWKWARD TIMES.
11) In The Cinema
What better time to end a relationship, than whilst sitting the dark together, watching some tanned, former stripper rip a Dolce and Gabanna dress off a size zero clotheshorse, all in the dark haven of popcorn wafts and virtual strangers. What could possibly go wrong, after all? Well, you will probably get screamed at, maybe slapped and most definitely left sitting there, alone. You have no one to blame but yourself.