Totally awkward, or in today's bingo lingo 'Totes Awks', in layman's terms a situation whereby you feel embarrassed for a situation you or someone around you have just caused. Do you bite your tongue? No. Gosh no! You declare with every bit of your embarrased reasoning these two words that have led to Mr. George Orwell turning for what now must be the 465th time in his grave..Here's how to steer clear of 'totes awks' situations in your everyday life.
1. Have your phone on you at all times
You can get lost in it if any potential totes awks situation may arise. "Hey Ian..did you see that?". "Oh shit sorry, I was snapchatting a photo of my unit to some chick"...see, works like a charm.
3. Have your headphones with you at all times
"Hey Ian..did you hear that?". "Oh shit, sorry, no I didn't, I was listening to an mp3 audio recording of this Ron Jeremy video I saw on youredtube last night..... Like. A. Charm.
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4. Change the subject
After you've asked someone 3 times to repeat themselves...but nod like you've heard them. You have of course not heard them, because they are practically mute...or you are deaf.
5. Make sure you know what film you're watching
...and who you're watching it with. You don't want to be afraid to look sideways at your parents as Halle Berry gets 'berried' while watching a little known film you've never seen before called Monsters Ball. Oh the awkwardness..
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6. As Irish people it is almost next to impossible to only say the one goodbye on the phone.
For all of you international readers it's kind of like the "you hang up, no you hang up" dilemma that troubles couples the world over. You can get away with it. We can't. So in order to avoid a totes awks conversation the next time you meet that someone in person, make sure to always include at least 5 goodbyes while ending any average phone call with an Irish person.
7. For guys - Accompany every non silent but violent passing of wind with a cough loud
Enough to mask the frequencies of said wind. For the silent ones...I'm afraid short of carrying around a can of fabreeze everywhere I haven't yet mastered that. Make sure to keep in touch though, I'm sure the eureka moment is only around the corner.
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8. Ensure to let the whole house know your are home when you walk in the door.
I learned this the hard way...let's just say, walking in on my sister and her female "friend" wasn't the most memorable experience on my late teenage years.
9. Always have cash on you if you are trying to impress a date.
Should you not you're only taunting that "card refused" response from whatever card terminal you use!
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10. Never congratulate anyone on being pregnant
Until you've heard someone else do it and gotten a positive response. Nothing worse than unintentionally congratulating someone on eating too many red velvet cupcakes while you've been away on your J1 in Huntingdon Beach.
11. Back to wind. Never let one go in an elevator.
Unless of course you are familiar with the elevator route and your stop is only seconds away...in that case let them have it...let them all have it!
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12. Keep your snapchatted screen shots in a well hidden folder
"Look at how much fun we had in the club last night..oh shit, that's my vagina"...*blush
14. Don't wait until the last point of the article to tell readers you have intentionally skipped number 2
So they don't read the whole article thinking they have one up on you in spotting a glaringly obvious mistake and that there are still 13 points here ...totes awks..
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