"You, you are ungainly, you are awkward. Your limbs seem to be in constant conflict with one another, as if they are operated by four separate puppeteers. You move with all the grace of a new-born elk that has had skates gaffer-taped to its hooves and been shoved into a roller-derby. Your body and its disjointed movements are an offense, a sickening satire on the very idea of elegance. You are no athlete, if I were the Olympic selection coach for a severely underpopulated country - and I mean, severely underpopulated - and I had to choose who would represent us at the Olympics were it a choice between you and a small, slightly sun-withered slug with a dent in it, I would go with that dried out slug every-time."
So said my P.E. teacher to me one day, as I lay in the mud amongst a jumbled pile of bibs I'd dropped while ferrying them across the rain-slicked sports pitch. Well, much though he may have maligned my aptitude for sports, thinking that it would never lead me to an opportunity of gainful employment, today, today is the day that he is to be proved wrong.
For today, a ski-wear company, by the name of Tenson, are looking to pay someone, who is quite terrible at skiing, to come and ski for them in a Swedish ski resort by the name of Idre Fjall. Not only are they looking to pay someone, but they are looking to pay this dismal skier an hourly rate that it would be remiss of me to describe as anything other than 'handsome'. They are looking to pay someone, to come and ski badly, €25 an hour.
Aside from this, extravagantly high hourly rate to come and make other skiers feel better about themselves, you will be provided with return flights from wherever you live, food,accommodation and ski rentals as well as a chance to bring a plus one, with all their expenses paid.
You will simply have to wear Tenson branded ski-wear while you stumble and stagger, flirting with disaster, as you risk life and limb - not out on the slopes - but just juddering about the rental lodge trying to cram your oafish feet into your skiboots. One can only imagine the danger you will put yourself in while actually out on the slopes.
According to their website, these are the criteria for who they're looking to hire:
- Knowing how to make a decent snowplough turn.
- Being an expert at falling in the lift queue and/or in the lift and on the slope.
- In the snow park, your only trick is an unintentional "eagle".
- You should have no idea what pow, ripper, glades, or poaching means.
- Every time you rent ski boots you tend to change them 2-3 times claiming there must be something wrong with them (since your feet hurts so bad).
If you think you have what it takes to extensively humiliate yourself for money in sub-zero temperatures then check out their website here. The official title for the position is 'Professional Ski Gear Tester' so they are looking to see how their equipment holds up while being used by a mediocre/beginner skier.
Deadlines for applications are this Monday, February 11. They have two open positions.