As women, we worry about everything and anything. Some things more than others. Some of our fears are admittedly totally irrational. Some are very real. These are the ones I'm going to outline and hope that other women agree with, therefore assuring myself that I'm not alone in being kept awake at night by thoughts of cats and babies....
1) Being A Cat Lady Forever
I actually can't even describe to you how often this fear keeps me awake at night. I don't even like cats. There's an old lady in Russia who shares her apartment with over a hundred cats. I can actually picture myself as that old lady. It's not a pretty picture.
2) Being An Ugly Bridesmaid
Being a bridesmaid is a catch twenty-two. On the one hand, you're flattered that someone would ask you to be their right-hand woman on the biggest and most important day of their lives. On the other hand, you're terrified that you'll have to spend a day being photographed in the ugliest dress known to mankind, whilst the bride stands beside you in an attempt to look even more beautiful. Just rest assured, at least you won't be parading around in a long gold dress. Like me. Gold is not my colour.
3) Getting Pregnant
This is one of the greatest fears of all. There is no greater fear for any woman than the fear of being up the duff. Every month is a mini celebration of not being knocked up. Go us. Every woman has a foolproof 'if she ever gets pregnant' plan of action, but obviously hopes it'll never need to be used.
I have watched far too many films and have therefore scared the absolute living bejaysus out of myself. Why would someone voluntarily want to gain three stone, carry a human around for nine long months and then squeeze it out of your area? F.E.A.R.
5) Realising He's Not The One
We've all seen the fairy tales, read the books, attended the weddings. We know that true love actually does exist, apparently. We now just need to find it and not fuck up along the way. Our greatest love related fear, is doing what they all do in films and marry the first man that comes our way, only to discover that he's really not right for you. Shit.
6) Being The Ugly Duckling
What if if we're the ugly ducklings of the family or even worse, our friend group? What if, even though we're aware that our family are good looking, we actually think that we ourselves, are better looking than we actually are. What if we're totally rank? Better go and scrutinize every single picture ever taken, for definite evidence.
Just kids in general. They're loud, cry a lot, shit themselves frequently and eat more than is really necessary. Then there's the whole issue of having to give up a large portion of your life to care for them. What happens if you finally succeed and get that high flying career, only for it to come crashing down because of a small human? Think contraception ladies.
8) Waking Up With Wrinkles
Ever since we've poked the lines on our Grandmothers face, we've been more than a little scared of wrinkling. Moisturize. It's key in anti aging, so they say. Yet, despite going to bed every night with a three inch layer of Astral on our faces, we can't help but fear waking up with a perfectly ruled face.
9) Getting Grey Hairs
Mention balding to any man and watch the colour drain from his face. Priceless. Watch them mention grey hairs to us and you'll pretty much get the same reaction. My mother told me she started going grey at sixteen. Never quite got over that shock...
10) Being Stuck In A Dead End Job Forever
We've all had to work shitty jobs, at one stage or another. Bad money, bosses that treat you like shit, customers you want to slap. It's on the shittest days, that you being to ponder if this is all there is. What if you spend the rest of your life in this miserable, degrading job? Best not to think about that.
11) Our Metabolism Slowing Down Drastically
Now, that's not to say that we're completely oblivious to the effects of eating one too many Snackboxes. It's just that after reading one too many 'articles' on 'celebrities' and their daily struggles with weight gain, that we start to wonder when we'll have to live on a diet of baby food and fear. It's coming...