We all recall being innocent, idiot children. The order of the day was being told the most far fetched shit our parents could possibly think of, in order to shield our precious little minds from the horrible truths of the world. It's only when we grow up, that we realise our parents could have been one of Hollywoods finest screenwriters with the amount of shite they've spewed into our impressionable minds. Fair play. Here are some of the biggest lies you were told as a child and it's ok to feel cheated;
13) "God makes babies"
Now that we are old and wise, we can appreciate how awkward it is to answer this question, should a child ask. "Why are those dogs on one another, what are they doing?". Well this is awkward. Go ask your Mammy there. We were fed everything from stork deliveries, to being God's creation which, when we think about it, makes us somewhat similar to Jesus. The harsh truth was a lot more scarring.
12) "Don't pull that face, God's going to see and leave you looking like that."
If you grew up with an Irish catholic parent then you were likely to have been fed this horrifically scarring lie at some stage in your formative years. I spent a good seven years being too afraid to pull those ugly, yet hilarious faces that every child should pull. To this day, there's still that underlying fear some of us have that this may in fact still happen. GOD SEES ALL.
11) "That music means the ice-cream man has NO ice-cream left."
This is up there with the meanest ever lie ever. We were gullible, stupid, small people. We were sponges to your knowledge. You betrayed us. We will never forgive you for this. But if you buy us an ice-cream we may consider it.
10) "Santy sees everything"
Well, Santy's a bit creepy then isn't he. He sees everything does he? Are you sure it isn't you, dear Parents?? WELL? In all honesty, the whole Santy lie is a lovely one. Until you see your Father coming out of the attic with a large black bag filled with, wait, they look suspiciously like the very presents I asked for this year. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Your childhood will never, ever be the same again.
9) "Eat up all of your vegetables and your hair will be curly"
Curly hair was the thaanng in the eighties/ nineties you know. You were nobody, unless you rocked that 'fro. According to our parents, the best way to achieve that was through eating all of our over boiled broccoli. That makes perfect sense when you think about it. It was definitely the carrots that gave me curls and not genetics. GHD have vegetables to thank for their ever increasing sales.
8) "Eat your crusts and you'll get hairs on your chest."
What the fuck. We were four and some of us were girls, why the hell would we want hairs on our chest? WHY? All of those hairy men clearly ate all of their crusty Nutella sandwiches back in the day.
7) "Your school days are the best days of your life."
If that was the case then I'd be living one miserable fucking life. Primary school was a special brand of shit for some of us, therefore telling pissed off children that this is the best time of their lives, is nothing but a bad idea. "The best is yet to come", would have been much easier to take.
6) "You're so bold, you're not like mine at all, you're actually adopted."
We must have been some pretty horrible children to deserve a lie like this. To shun us as not being one of your own is pretty low. You have always planted that little seed of doubt in our very simple minds. Thanks to you, we have spent hour upon hour looking through baby pictures to try and piece together the puzzle of our lives.
5) "That's only for adults."
As a child, everything that appears to be fun is 'only for adults', whilst you're stuck with nothing more than a slide and a tyre swing that gives you leg burn. This means that you spend a large portion of your childhood wishing for adulthood where you can go wherever you want, do what you want, wear what you want and best of all, eat WHATEVER FOOD YOU WANT. Until you become an adult and realise how utterly shit real, adult life is and that excessive amounts of Curley Wurleys make you fat. Can we go back?
4) "Children have to go to bed by 9 o'clock, it's the law."
Going to bed when we were little was shit craic. Especially during the summer, when it was still bright outside at 9 o'clock. Lying there, not even remotely sleepy whilst birds sang and your neighbours hit one another with sticks, all you could think of was sneaking out the window towards freedom. It never happened, the law-lie made you stay in bed.
3) "Don't eat the apple pips, otherwise an apple tree will grow in your belly."
Well that's a bit mad now isn't it? Could an apple tree fit in our bellies? I think not. Still, we religiously picked those little pricks of pips out of our lunch apples, for sheer fear of tree spurts.
2) "Don't swallow your chewing gum, it'll make your insides stick together."
To this day, I still know people who would never, ever dream of swallowing their chewing gum. By people, I mean grown, educated adults. Despite it being proved that chewing gum is perfectly safe to digest, too many years of listening to Mammy and Daddy telling you otherwise has put a lifetime habit of spitting out your gum into motion. After all, 20 years is a long time to have some gum in your stuck together system.
1) "I know everything, I've eyes in the back of my head and the birds tell me everything else."
I still remember our baby infants teacher telling us these lies and us 100 percent believing every single word. This was probably why we were some of the best behaved five year olds to ever grace the parish. Top class Miss. You all seeing, all knowing, scary Mary.