So you've just come back from travelling the world on a pogo stick or some other mind-bending shit. Congratulations. Woop de fucking doo. I'm so gosh darn happy for you. No really, I am. But you know what would make me even happier? If you were to go on your travels, if you uploaded exactly zero evidence of it via social media and were then to return home as though nothing has changed. But we all know that that's not going to happen, because somehow, hopping on a variety of aeroplanes has somehow made you a fully blown expert on the world. Here are 13 reasons why I have literally no interest whatsoever in hearing about your travels:
1) What does 'finding yourself' even mean really?
I've always pondered this on one of my deep, dark mind unraveling games, usually whilst in the shower. So tell me, how exactly DID you find yourself in India? Was it a case of finally getting a good hard glimpse of your chin hair in an obscure shard of glass in the desert? Was it the moment when you got so off your titties on little neon pills bought on the beach from a man called Pablo, that you finally saw the light? Tell me, or not. Whatever...
2) Because I've already seen 670 pictures of the beach from The Beach.
Your big pink head isn't really going to make me appreciate it any more. Also, setting said picture as your cover photo on Facebook doesn't make you original, it makes you the exact fucking same as your ten mates and essentially every other 25-year-old male within a 500 mile radius. Ps: You're a shit photographer.
3) We have alcohol here too you know, so calm down.
Ok, so we may not be tipping buckets of blue sugar down our throats at 6pm on a Wednesday (ahem), but we also have bars, pre-drinking and a shit load of excuses for drinking at our fingertips too, believe it or not. You were just foolish enough to waste all of that precious drinking money on flights and mouldy hostels. HA!
4) Because despite what you say, sex on the beach isn't that exciting.
"Omg it was just so passionate, the moon was shining and the waves were lapping nearby", you say. "It itched a lot, some pervert was probably watching and it's going to take weeks to get the sand out of my crevices", I hear.
5) You're not going to stay in contact with your new best friends, let's be honest here.
You had a deep connection, you bonded like magnets in a Chemistry lab, you braided one another's hair and puked into the same toilet bowl and now you've all fluttered off back home and you'll be lucky to get a sympathy like from them every once in a blue moon. The truth hurts man...
6) You may have thought that you'd induce jealousy in everyone left behind and yes, you'd be a little bit right.
Yes, we did feel a little pang of FOMO when you did the obligatory airport and pint check in (original). Yes, we did wish that we were off somewhere on a bleached-white beach getting gee-eyed and singing songs out of key. But then we got over it, like an easy lay, and moved on. As has the ex you were running from in the first place. BURN.
7) And speaking of romance, your travel love will not last. It's as simple as that, I'm afraid.
Yes, I'm sure it was filled with lust and love and sex and all of that other cliched shit, but you're back home now and they're nowhere to be seen, so how's about you drop the subject like it's hot and move onto your next one, ok?
8) So fucking what if you did a tonne of drugs?
Despite the fact that back at home you were and are about as much fun as a dose of the clap, when travelling, you apparently thought that smoking your tiny brains out made you a sort of modern day Bob Marley. Well, it doesn't. It just makes you another dope smoking plonker, although now with even fewer brain cells, if that's possible.
9) And nice tattoo Brah, how very original of you.
So tell me. What's the meaning behind it? In what way does this random Thai symbol sum up your life experience as a drunken idiot, thus far? Talk me through this branding of sorts. Let's really get into this, ok?
10) Is there a reason that you're still wearing toe jewellery and harem pants?
I mean, I could easily be very, very wrong here. Perhaps it's a necessity of sorts and our mild, damp climate is proving to be a little too hot to handle for you and also, you've recently discovered that a life without accessories isn't a life worth living. I could be really off the mark here and if so, then you have my sincerest apologies. But let's face it. I'm not wrong.
11) If you thought that your uplifting stories of jungles and shanty towns would give me itchy feet, then you were sorely mistaken.
And perhaps you should get those itchy feet of yours seen to. That doesn't sound all that pleasant, my freaky footed fake friend.
12) What's that? You went to a sex show?
So what you're telling me here is that you paid for something that everyone else you know gets for free and watches for nada? Congratulations pal! Now sit back and wait for your call into the complete moron's seedy hall of shame.
13) So, to sum up. I really do hope that you enjoyed your time travelling this fine little planet of ours, but please, save the bragging for your parents.
Because frankly, I can't listen to another second of your so called voyage of self discovery. And yes, 88% of this article was composed on severe jealousy and FOMO. You got me...