We don't lie to our parents to be malicious or cruel in any way. Quite the opposite, in fact. We purely do it to conceal all of the stupid mistakes, actions and choices that we make in life. We understand that once we couldn't go for a toilet break without them knowing, but now, thankfully, things are different. We've mastered the art of lying through our teeth, mainly to ensure they feel as though they've succeeded in their life long mission to produce a decent human being. You're welcome guys!
1) "No, I've been up for ages."
Thanks for waking me up.
2) "No I'm not hungover."
My head feels as though a stick took a fancy to it and the fact that you're so loud is really not helping.
3) "I only had three drinks last night."
I had at least 13 drinks last night, but clearly I'd never tell you this, for fear of getting a lecture while I'm in this fragile state.
4) "I must have had a bad pint."
I'm trying to vomit quietly, but this house is so small that you can obviously hear me. I suppose my streaming eyes, pale face and layer of sweat are a dead giveaway anyway. If I deny everything down to the ground, hopefully you'll hold back my hair in sympathy.
5) "I'm not texting anyone."
I'm texting some bit on the side, but you'd be the last to ever know. Thank god for passwords.
6) "No, I didn't get your friend request."
I saw it and immediately rejected it. We shall never be virtual friends, I assure you.
7) "Yeah, I know her alright."
Nupe, no idea who she is, but I'm going to pretend otherwise and just imagine a happier time and let you blab on for the next five minutes.
8) "I just stayed in and studied all weekend."
My weekend mainly consisted of alcohol, television, hangover food and cups of tea.
9) "No, I don't have a special friend."
I've been regularly shifting this person for six months now, so I suppose it's kind of a thing, but you'll never even know they exist.
10) "Nah, I'm not that poor."
I've got twenty euro to last me for the rest of the week, so by my standards, I'm actually ok.
11) "I'm a bit poor but I'll be fine."
I've got €5.50 in my back account and pay day isn't for another three days. I'm hoping you'll somehow take pity on me and make an anonymous donation imminently.
12) "Sorry, I meant to ring yesterday but I had study to do."
Sorry, I meant to ring yesterday but I had four episodes of "Orange Is The New Black" to catch up on and having to listen to a phone lecture at the same time, would really have killed my buzz.
13) "Yes I'm eating properly."
Yesterday for example, I had Special K Red Berries for dinner, that must surely count as one of my five a day?
14) "Sorry I missed your call, I was just out for a run."
Sorry I missed your call, I was just having a 6pm nap. It was lovely by the way, I'm so much more energized now.
15) "Yeah, we keep the house pretty clean."
Yeah, I mean, if you consider sticky floors, three weeks worth of rubbish and mouldy walls to be clean, then we're fucking spotless.
16) "Yes, I have a pretty good idea of where I want to be in five years time."
Bali would be nice. Thailand perhaps. I sometimes consider packing it all in and working in a beach bar for life. Proud of me yet?
17) "I'd rather we didn't have the safe sex talk again."
If you ever mention my sex life again, I think I may throw up on your shoes. I now need to go and wash away the pain that was this conversation.