Flying is rarely an enjoyable experience. Unless you're a Kardashian with your own private jet, that is. For us mere mortals though, flying means queues, luggage woes, screaming babies and lack of sleep, which, when all combined, equate to a pretty shitty experience. Here, I've decided to share some thoughts that everyone (me included) has during a flight. It's not pretty up there...
1) "Good god, those Air Hostesses must spend hours getting ready in the morning."
Seriously though, how in Gods name does one layer that much make up on ones face? It baffles and worries me in equal measure. Fair play to them though, for me to achieve the same look I'd need a make up artist, a bucket of glue and Photoshop skills second to none.
2) "There's a baby sitting in row 7, so I think I'll head for a seat in the thirties."
Babies and planes are like jam and cheese, a weird and undesirable combination that only a selected few people insist on mixing. Not for me.
3) "Jesus, this is narrow."
Planes by nature, aren't the ideal environment for those of a larger scale. Even for a fairly slender person, it's a pretty uncomfortable experience. Those seats are NOT made for the bigger boned being.
4) "Is anyone else really cold?"
Perhaps it's because most flights depart before dawn, perhaps it's because once we have the idea of heading off to some far flung exotic land such as Liverpool in our heads, we don our entire Summer collection. Either way, planes are generally freezing and we should have some common sense and bring a jumper every once in a while.
5) "Bags the window seat."
If you are a man or are travelling with a man, then you'll know that claiming the window seat is a fierce and rarely won battle. It's the prize that everyone wants to claim, but similar to those stupid crane, cuddly toy arcade machines, your chances of winning are slim to never happening. Nice try though.
6) "Please let someone hot sit beside me. Please, please, please."
Every time I've sat on a plane over the past eight to nine years, I've said a little prayer to the plane Gods that some absolute eye candy will casually sit down beside me. I dreamt of how we'd strike up a playful conversation and the time would quite literally fly by. Sorry, had to be done. As you'd expect, this has never happened to me or to anyone that I know. Shocker.
7) "Go away please, you're not hot and you're also squishing me a little."
This on the other hand, will always, always happen. Instead of Ridey McRiderson, you'll end up with Smelly McSquisherson. Unpleasant, uncomfortable, unfair.
8) "Why the fuck is it so early?"
I do not know why flights have to take off on their merry way at such an un-merry hour. It baffles me. Just grin and sleep if possible.
9) "My seat belt is ALREADY fastened."
That's clearly not going to stop Patricia and Rodrigo from giving you an in depth lesson in seat belt fastening anyway though. Just remember that they probably hate it ten times more than you do.
10) "Damn it, I forgot the chewy sweets."
If our mothers have taught us anything, it's that having a decent supply of chewy sweets is imperative for flying. Fuck the emergency exits, the real emergency here is the lack of hard boiled sweets in aisle ten.
11) "Yes, safety comes first, but if we DID crash, we're pretty much goners anyway, so I may as well just keep reading my magazine."
This is pretty much a safe bet in my eyes, after all, if the plane did go down, the chances of us remaining calm and using that giant inflatable slide are slim to none, so if you'll excuse us, it's back to Cosmo we go.
12) "Please ears, don't pop, pretty please."
Fuck all of you 'my ears have never popped, so stop being so dramatic' fellow passengers out there, for you will never truly understand the pain that comes with your ears popping and of still being deaf three hours after landing.
13) "Everything looks so much prettier from up here."
This is probably why every 'amateur photographer' who has ever boarded a plane insists on Instagraming the shite out of it because, just in case you didn't know, clouds are stunning. #Nofilterneeded.
14) "Oh no, toilet time. How do I wake this person up?"
I once had to contemplate this tough choice for five hours, until the pain got too much and I just climbed over them. So failing a gentle nudge, this may in fact be your only feasible option.
15) "How can anyone find the Mile High Club sexy?"
Beats me, plane toilets are about a sexy as Madonna, which is not at all. Why anyone would want to expose their bare skin to that smelly little flying shitbox is a thing of mystery.Whatever gets you going I suppose.
16) "Shit that was bad turbulence, I'm going to be the next star of a real life show based on Lost."
No matter how self assured a flier that you may be, there will always be that moment when the plane shakes and you instantly regret not having a will. While Lost was filmed in Hawaii however, the only place you're likely to crash land in is Wales. Almost as unpleasant a thought as crashing itself.
17) "God I'm bored, will this ever e...We're preparing to descend? Yes!"
Ever fall asleep on a plane and wake up just as you've reached your destination? Best. Feeling. Ever. Now that my friends, is how to fly comfortably.