House parties are a rite of passage. Spending all night in a grotty living room, drinking Tesco Everyday Value cans and smoking damp rollies is a way of life for many students.
At every party you'll see the same archetypes appearing time and time again.
1. The person who traps you into a DMC
The deep, meaningful conversationalist.
They corner you at the start of the night and seven hours later they are disgorging their life story to you. You've never been this psychologically intimate with anyone before.
2. The one who falls asleep on the couch
They manifest several hours into the evening. You'll always find them slowly wilting on the couch, their eyes sliding shut.
Before long they're fast asleep, either to serve as an obstacle or as a canvas for any aspiring artists armed with a black marker.
3. The absolute mess
Wild-haired and with bloodshot eyes they shamble about the party like a force of nature; upturning bowls, spilling drinks, and getting sick on the dog.
The only defence from them is to keep as much floor space between you and them as feasible.
4. The one who doesn't seem to know anybody
They don't know anyone here, they came with someone who has long since abandoned them.
They cling to the fringes of the party, nodding benignly at anyone who catches their eye – and hold their drink at chest height, like a shield.
Easy prey for the DMC-er.
5. The overly-emotional one
They can often be found occupying the bathroom with a cadre of friends attempting to comfort them. Red-faced and teary-eyed they will make it painfully awkward for all who can hear their anguished howling.
No one will know what exactly upset them, not even the weeper themselves.
6. The one who won't get up from their prized seat
The immovable object.
They will seemingly spontaneously appear at the party, arse firmly planted on the most choice seat in the house.
When it comes to their bladder, they will have a camel-like endurance. They seem to have either bottomless pint, or a stockpile of cans hidden somewhere.
They. Will. Not. Move.
7. The burnt-out housemate
Two of the three housemates agreed to the party, the third was too burnt out from back-to-back assignments for the last month to object. But alas... they have class at 8am tomorrow.
Sometimes you can see them through the crack of their bedroom door left ajar, a half living thing with heavy-lidded eyes full of ennui.
8. The one from out of town
They wander around the party trying to strike up conversations and failing.
Their bizarre accent and strange slang alienates everyone around them.
You can see that they desperately want to leave, but they are lost in the depths of an anonymous housing estate miles from a familiar landmark.
9. The one with their face glued to their phone
They stare sullenly at the glowing rectangle in their hand, a blue glow illuminating their faces.
Any attempt to converse with them is met with a vacant grunt – but glance at their Twitter feed, and you'd be forgiven for thinking that they were the life of the party.
10. The one who takes all the embarrassing photos
They stalk the party, phone in hand, snapping compromising pictures that you'll wake up to tomorrow, shamefully emblazoned across Snapchat stories, Facebook posts, and Tweets.
11. The life of the party
Their boundless energy, rampant enthusiasm, and extroverted charm will get everyone into the party spirit.
Come 3am, however, their energy levels will remain the same, but everyone else will be haggard and crabby.
They will go from life of the party to scourge of the tired, trying to stir the recumbent revellers into a second wind.
12. The one who organises all the drinking games
You'll find them perched behind a coffee table, diligently they explain the labyrinthian rules of a drinking game that will instantly be forgotten by the bored group arrayed before them.
13. The Spotify DJ
The DJ has absolute faith in their music taste.
They will set themselves up by the laptop and decide the soundtrack for the evening.
Prepare for a lot of Kodaline, and for intermittent ad breaks, because they never seem to have Premium.
14. The one who turns the living room into their personal dance floor
They will upset the equilibrium of the party by shoving the coffee table over to one side of the room and whirling around to what ever the DJ has put on.
They will spill the drink you left by your feet.
15. The one who eats all the snacks
At the start of the night there was a smorgasbord of Pringles, Doritos, and popcorn.
Then, the glutton rolled in like a salty snack-addicted panda and demolished every last crumb.
16. The one with the guitar
One word: Wonderwall.
17. The surrogate mam
You'll find The Mam constantly moving, flitting from room to room, fretting over the mess people are making, tidying up, trying to get the more inebriated revellers to drink some water, and generally attempting to nurture everyone in a 20-metre radius.
18. The school teachers
They come in group of at least three, they occupy half a room, and all they talk about is teaching. It's a harrowing call back to when you had to venture into the staff room in secondary school.
You won't say a thing to them, for fear of being given lines to do.