With Leaving Certificate results out nest week and semester 1 fast approaching, here are some scenarios which every first year college student is likely to go through in the next year.
1) "I'm a genius!"
Results are out and you've managed to get the points for the course you wanted. You get accepted to you're first choice on the CAO.
You're finally off to the big smoke and outta the extremely rural, cul-de-sac farm land you live in.
It's moving time. The car is loaded up, boxes and cases full of utter shit which won't benefit your education what so ever... I'm talking about the huge set of speakers, the strobe light, the bong, the guitar if you're a musician... but hey, you'll probably throw some pretty good parties.
4) "Who's this eejit?"
Meeting your new house mates for the first time is strange. You're thrown into a pokey apartment with 4+ strangers, space is tight, anything left in a common room becomes public property and if you're not used to sharing prepare to have your patience tested. You'll soon be able to label each house mate; the quirky one, the musical one, the annoying one, the sex mad one, the party animal, the stoner, the book worm... If you're wondering who the weird one is but can't figure it out, it's you.
Orientation is a fucking boooooore. Sure, you find out where stuff is and you'll probably make a friend or two, but this week is nothing compared to the freshers party week which follows.... Can anyone say "TOGA"?!
6) The alcoholic phase.
Semester 1 is mad craic. You're sure to be out at least twice a week, drinking anything you can get your hands on. Tesco value vodka is like paint stripper you say? Fuck it, be grand.
No doubt, college is the time when you're gonna experience some of the craziest sex of your life, and if it's not you who is engaging in the intercourse then a mate of yours definitely has and you can't fucking wait to hear about it! Sex in ridiculously public places is now a sport.
8) "9 am lecture? Good luuuuuuck!"
Your daily routine now revolves around your sleeping pattern and when your favourite shows are on. If you didn't like home and away before, you will now.
9) Being poor is the new rich.
You're broke, living off Koka noodles and black coffee with any spare cash going on whatever nights out you can afford. Don't sweat it, brah, everyone else is broke as shit too. College will make you appreciate money soooo much more than you ever did before.
You're gonna see so much titties and butts yo! House mates, one night stands, pre-drinks, dares... If you can walk around your house in a pair of underwear and little else, this is kind of a bizarre way of knowing that you've made some pretty solid mates.
11) "Shit... I fancy my housemate/guy friend/female friend"
If it doesn't happen to you, it'll happen to your friend. It's pretty hilarious and inevitably leads to sex. Don't think it's more complicated than it is, it's sex, it's fun, everybody wins!
12) Availing of all of the discounts.
Generally Tesco doesn't offer student discounts on 24 can slabs of beer but sure what's the harm in asking?!
Cutting student grants? Protest! Price of pints in the SU has gone up? Protest! Don't know what everyone is giving out about? Protest!
14) Day time/birthday/"assignment done!" drinking.
So there's a twenty minute period where it's not pissing rain? Sure in Ireland that's good weather, go celebrate it with a few cans! A night out following an all day session is always threatened but rarely ever happens because bouncers are no fun and tell you that you're "too drunk", sure they're just "too sober".
15) Testing your body's limits.
Staying up for as long as possible, eating as much food as possible at the all you can eat just so you get value for money, drinking 'til you pass out or throw up, this will all happen to you!
You'll gain an extreme interest in a tv show and watch it back to back until you've watched them all. Repeat process.
17) Hygiene, or lack there of
Your floordrobe is out of control. You chose your outfits by simply selecting whatever is clean/doesn't smell like ass... Better head home soon so Mammy can wash the clothes...
18) Clubs and Societies.
The ones you'll join directly relate to the amount of free shit you will get from them.
19) Boring Weekends.
Your Saturday nights consist of bad tv and eating your feelings.
Why do you have a traffic cone, a shopping trolley, 3 wet floor signs, a massive mop that smells like sick, drip mats and road signs in your living room? Because you can, that's why.
21) The Leaning tower of shite.
If you're a girl, forget about doing the bins, just be nice to your male house mates and clean the house every now and again and they'll feel obliged to take out the bins. Trust me.
Exams are looming, you've done fuck all for the whole semester... A few all nighters, pass by compensation, be grand!
23) Depression Central.
Moving home for summer feels like the end of the world. You're probably gonna be an emotional wreck. Back to the farm in the country... but hey, you'll get to eat real people food for a couple of months and prepare the body, mind and soul for 2nd year.