The workplace is a minefield of social anxiety. As a student intern, it’s unimaginably worse. Why can't I just curl in a ball and be alone for lunch? Why does the canteen have to be so large? Those doors are way too heavy to not lead to an embarrassing situation. All those people, all those judging eyes. Some of these are specific to only where I work, some are universal, all-encompassing agonies.
Here are my top 5 job woes.
5. BEING A STUDENT.
Being a student is pretty great most of the time. You get (some) great discounts, it's ok to be poor and it's socially acceptable to end up like this:
This, however, leads older, more mature co-workers to think it's ok to be patronising. I'm young, I'm new to the job, I'm not an idiot. Those high pitched tones and basic vocabulary make you sound simple, and do nothing to help me learn.
At my desk a few weeks ago, a fellow intern came over to ask where someone was. When she left, the women where I sit launched into a flurry of comments such as 'ah isn't she adorable', 'she's so cute' and 'she's only a baby'.
Advertisement
Less of this please, we're all adults here. Some more intoxicated than others, but adults nonetheless.
4. FACILITIES AVAILABLE
On our induction day at the mysterious office in which I work, we were told that a man in a wheelchair had previously worked there. Upon his departure, he complimented the Facilities Manager (that’s a thing) on her excellent facilities (say what you will about what he meant by that). I had every urge to call bullshit on this, but on my first day? Probably not a great idea. But allow me to break it down.
The doors
No quarrels with Jim and Co. here, no, this is about the colossal slabs of wood that constitute doors. These things are bigger than the boulder that they put across Jesus’ grave. Maybe I’m exaggerating. But these things are not easy to open. Plus, the keycard scanner is so far away, it would literally be impossible for a person in a wheelchair to scan their card and open the door with ease.
The lifts
Advertisement
Out of service. It’s like an equally unfunny episode of The Big Bang Theory, but with middle aged women instead of Kaley Cuoco, and more Sheldon Coopers than one ever wants to be near.
3. LUNCHTIME
I know what you’re thinking; ‘how could anything be bad about lunch? You get to eat!’
Well you’d be wrong. Lunch is a hazardous time. You can’t be seen to be alone, then people get to talking about you. You can’t order the same thing every day, because people get to talking about you. Hell, you can’t do anything without people talking about you. Less like work and more like school, isn’t it?
And the anxiety that comes with the lunch line. You can’t be first in the queue, then the burden of choosing seats falls to you. Sit at an empty table? Then the other interns get offended, and your friends might go and sit with them anyway. Sit with the other interns to start with, and someone could end up without a seat. You can keep your responsibility, I’ll find myself in the middle of the queue; no responsibility but not last, so I’ll still get a seat.
And then there’s the danger of dropping a tray. I’d rather not talk about that.
Advertisement
2. THE ACTUAL WORK
To get this job, I had the most intense online exam of my life. There was numerical reasoning based on graphs and statistics, business plans and a whole host of things my tiny student brain could not fathom.
After that was a face to face interview. ‘Formal’ and ‘thorough’ would be a nice way of putting it. ‘And what did working with a band teach you about customer service?’ This was said to me. Those words were uttered, and not in jest. And after that was a medical questionnaire, which was one question short of asking for a semen sample.
So surely the work must be important and difficult to merit such a rigorous and arduous interview process? Well, you’d be wrong if you thought that. My days consist of CTRL+C, CTRL+V and ENTER. That’s no joke, that’s not me attempting to be funny. That is what I do, all day long.
Some unlucky souls have to ring customers from time to time. I don’t envy them, it’s no fun telling people they owe you money.
1. EVERYTHING ELSE ABOUT WORKING
Advertisement
Anything else you can think about working deserves to be on this list. My office is ‘smart casual’. I honestly had no fucking idea what that was before I started. I took a guess, and it paid off. Every other male intern wore oversized suits, though, clearly borrowing them from fathers. Not so lucky for them, who wants to wear a suit all day long that doesn’t even fit?
Sitting down all day sounds like heaven for most students. No lifting, no walking, nothing but looking at a computer screen all day. Sounds like summer for most students. But realistically, it is a pain in the ass (literally) to sit all day. And you can’t twist and turn like you can sitting on your bed. You’re pretty much stuck in the one position. And it hurts. Like a bitch.
You like stale air? Got an job in an office. There’s loads of it in there. They must have brought in a law that makes it illegal to open windows, because no one fucking does it. I love breathing in warm, recycled air. Yum.
Basically the only good thing about the workplace is the payslip you get. And after slaving away at that desk all week, it’s a comfort to know the government is taking most of your money.
I can’t wait for college to start again.
