There are some questions in this life that should never be asked. You know that type of questions I mean. The ones that make time seem to stand still and that make you want to shrivel up and die a little. The ones that if you could turn back time and un-hear, you most definitely would. So, in order to prepare you for every eventuality, here are some extremely awkward life questions to try and avoid. Try your best...
1) "So what are you doing with your life now?"
Well, right now I'm wishing you'd fuck off and leave me alone actually, now that you ask.
2) "How's the love life?"
Oh fantastic. Despite the fact that I neither know or like you very much, I feel that you are definitely the person with whom I will share all details of my love life with. Even if it consists of nothing more than repeats of The Notebook.
3) "Still single?"
Just as long as you're still an inquisitive so and so.
4) "Will we hear wedding bells any time soon?"
If you're a fan of fluffy Roms-Coms that always, always end in a big white wedding, then yes, you probably will. It's just that I won't be starring in said fluff so please, stop asking me.
5) "Do you want kids some day?"
If I said possibly no will you judge me? Yes, yes you will.
6) "Are you using protection?"
Oh dear god please stop. Especially if you're my mother and judging by the disapproving tone of this question, you clearly are.
7) "Where do you see yourself in ten years time?"
I try not to think about life in ten days time, so ten years is a bit ridiculous if you ask me.
8) "What are your salary expectations?"
If I say enough to still drink comfortably on a regular basis, will you give me the job?
9) "What would you say are your best qualities?"
Having to 'talk myself up' really, really isn't my best quality, therefore, the question itself is against me and this proves that life itself is utterly unfair.
10) "Why do you think you should get this job?"
I really, really don't like being on the dole? I'm bored being at home every day? I need money? Please....?
11) "How much do you weigh?"
12) "How many times a week do you work out?"
Does running to the bus as a result of sleeping in once again, count as working out? Because if so, I'm basically on route to becoming a marathon winner.
13) "Are you sleeping with them?"
Fairly sure that's between us two and the bed. Not to worry, I'm sure my cool, calm facade will conceal my horror anyway.
14) "So what's your magic number?"
I don't know how to say this but if I do tell you, you can kiss all the respect and admiration you have for me (go with it) a long goodbye. In fact, lets christen 'magic' number as 'secret' number and never encounter this problem again.
So there you have it Ladies and Gentlemen, these are the most awkward life questions that you'll probably ever encounter, now that you're prepared, there's really no awkward surprises awaiting you. You're so welcome!