A Complete Idiots Guide To Partaking In Football Conversations

Talking about something you know nothing about is never easy.

It’s an unfortunate fact that football is the topic of an overwhelming majority of every day conversations. It’s unavoidable, like a verbal plague, and the people infected with footy fever will do anything they can to try and spread it to you too.

If watching football interests you about as much as alphabetising a pile of unwanted phone directories would, you might find yourself desperately scraping your brains for things to say to people on a regular basis.

That’s where we can help out! If you’re with mates and manage to get roped in to watching the football like so many other poor souls will this summer, stick to our footy phrase guide and turn those awkward silences into confident banter. No one will ever know you have no idea what’s going on! Unless you’re rooting for the wrong team, that is…

If it’s still 0-0 half an hour in


"What this game needs is a goal"

Well done, Captain Obvious. Of course it does. Any game in any state would, but chances are at this point that even your enthusiastic friends are getting restless. Help fill the frustrated air with meaningless cliches like this and watch in satisfaction as they all start arguing with each other over why no one’s scored yet.

via Cheezburger

If the ref sends one of your players off

"Looks like somebody needs an eye test!"

No matter what, if one of your players gets sent off, it’s never their fault. Even if they roundhouse kicked another player off his feet Chuck Norris style, the other guy took a dive. If the referee does decide to send one of your 11 off though, that must mean that he’s in desperate need of spectacles. There’s simply no possible way that he was just doing his job.

Via Football Gifs

If people are debating whether a player was offside

"It's touch and go, I reckon he's borderline"

Even bonafide football fanatics struggle to explain the offiside rule in layman’s terms, so there’s no shame in not having a clue what anyone’s on about when this one comes up. Stay on the fence and no one will ever question your offside knowledge. Easy peasy!

If you’re thrashing them

"The thing with *Insert Opposing Team* is that they have a cavalier approach to defending"

When things are looking up, most footy fans love nothing more than to criticise the other team’s ability to kick a ball. Drop this cliched bombshell at just the right time and you’ll sound like such a seasoned football veteran everyone will be double-checking Sir Alex Ferguson isn’t in the room.

via The Games We Love

If you’re losing at half time

"You never know, it's a game of two halves!"

Captain Obvious strikes again, but your forlorn friends will appreciate your attempt at optimism in such dark, dark times. Being behind at the half way point is enough to make even the strongest of people begin to well up, but these simple words will remind them that there’s still hope yet.

If you’re winning by one goal

"Another goal would put a bit of daylight between us"

Check you out with your fancy football metaphors! Saying this kind of stuff instantly makes anyone sound around fifty years older than they actually are, and if you’re that old, you must’ve watched a lot of football in your time. Little do they know you think the reason David Beckham’s famous is because he models underwear.

via Cheezburger

If it hits the crossbar

"A lick of paint lower and that would've been in!"

From football metaphors to the plain, outright doesn’t-make-sense nonsense that is whatever this is. Since when has a lick of paint been a unit of distance measurement? Add a further fifty years onto your football expertise and confuse everyone into thinking you know what you’re on about by blurting this whenever things get close.

via ohmagif

If it goes into extra time

"It's been end-to-end stuff so far, I don't know if they can keep it up!"

It probably hasn’t been end to end stuff. It’s probably been 22 men struggling to handle a foreign climate while they pass a ball between each other and occasionally argue about who pushed who. But as any commentator will tell you, there’s no harm in exaggerating to help keep excitement levels high, or at least keep everybody from falling asleep.

If your team lose

"*Insert opposing team* just bossed the midfield. Simple as that."

Blaming a weak midfield for your loss is just the done thing, regardless of how badly any of your players did. Blend in seamlessly with the disgruntled masses and bang on about what a class act the other team’s midfield was. After all, the first step in the footy grieving process is acceptance.

via Football Banter

If them losing meant that they got knocked out

"It's a funny old game..."

Fit this one in and you’re basically a football cliche machine. Even the guy who first said this (the legendary Jimmy Greaves) doesn’t know why it’s become as popular as it has, but it’s the perfect reply to any comment about a match not ending well for the team you’re rooting for. If your team gets knocked out, you know exactly what to say.

Via Know Your Meme

Article written by

You may also like

Facebook messenger