Couples. It seems like they're everywhere these days. Regardless of what time of the year it is, there's no doubt you'll see versions of the following couples wandering around campus, oblivious to the retching sounds you're making behind their backs. I'm not a hater of love, but could you please tone down the gushing and the drama? I've a lecture to get to...
1) The Extreme PDA Couple
We get it, you love each other, now can you please stop shoving your tongues down each other's throats in the line for coffee. I need to be more caffeinated before I witness the pair of you with hands in each other's back pockets. It's a public place, please control yourselves.
2) The Facebook Official Couple
Not solely on Facebook...They have evidence of their relationship on all social media platforms. They keep friends, family members, random almost acquaintances aware of their relationship status through various updates and posts. The comments they write on each other's feed are too embarrassing to take seriously. Why can't they text each other like normal people? Why must the world know? I sometimes almost feel like a third wheel in their relationship and they are attending college on the other side of the country! Get off my feed lovebirds!
3) The Two For One Couple
Before they started dating they were perfectly functioning individuals. Now, not so much. They can't do anything without the other. Anytime you ask one of them to hang out, the other comes along without even asking if that's ok. They say 'we' and 'us' instead of 'me' and 'I'. They have morphed into one person. You can't even imagine them apart.
4) The Married Couple
Similar enough to the two for one couple, except they never do anything with other people. They are completely unsociable. They prefer to stay in (they live together, in college, by choice) wear sweatpants and eat pizza. They may venture out once every six months and go absolutely mental on the drink. It's an epic night you all look forward to, then they return back to their secluded hibernation state.
5) The On Again Off Again Couple
You've given up on keeping up with their relationship status. One minute she's blasting 'We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together' in her room, the next they're all over each other at the club. At this stage, you just wish them both luck. Neither of them are capable of being single. They're too afraid of being alone and simultaneously terrified of being in a relationship. They'll be back and forth until graduation.
6) The Dysfunctional Couple
You don't even understand how they started seeing each other. They hate each other. All they seem to have in common is their love of driving the other insane. Oh, and sex. They have huge fights at every house party or night out on the town, but then other times they are basically having sex in public. They constantly cheat on each other and constantly complain about the other. You wish they'd break up, just so you could have a bit of peace. They make no sense, yet they claim that they're soulmates. Whatever, lovebirds.
7) The Open Relationship Couple
Not only do they openly date other people as well as their partner, they let everyone know about it. Sure, it's cool that you believe that monogamy is a social construction and you are letting your freak flag fly, but I seriously do not care. Please stop keeping me informed on whoever you slept with last night. No matter how open your relationship is, I still don't want to know about it. And you should get tested, like often.
8) The Power Couple
They are like a couple on controlled speed. They're like the Kennedys. They're involved in all student body activities and one of them will probably be head of the students union by the time they graduate. Even if it's not politics they're into - it could be some other college club/society - they're deep into marketing themselves as this power couple who support each other and have great ambitions. Sometimes you like to wonder what their private time is like: probably strategizing all the time, you doubt they have time to have sex with all their causes. Calm down and have fun. It's college.