Being short sighted is a straight up curse. There are no positives to the situation. Whatsoever. At all. It's not like being really short and having everyone call you cute, or being really tall and having tourists ask you for photos. Nobody is every going to applaud you for being -3.55 in both eyes, there will be no admiring glances cast in your direction, actually perhaps there will, but you won't see them anyway. So here, my fellow short sighted people, are the problems that we have to deal with every single day. I'm now filled with self pity...
1) Being Momentarily Blind In The Morning
Where the hell am I and more importantly, where the hell are my glasses?
2) Eyes Drier Than A Sober Night Out
No perfect sighted person can ever fully understand the pure, unadulterated trauma that comes with having moisture-less eyeballs. It hurts, it's uncomfortable, it is not pretty.
3) Falling Asleep With Contacts In And Waking Up With Conjunctivitis
You go to bed (probably drunk) with such an overwhelming urge to sleep, that you feel there's no need to remove your contacts. No need at all...Until you wake up and discover that your eyes are literally stuck together. That should teach you, but it probably won't.
4) Losing A Contact Whilst Out In Public
You're strutting down the street like the babe that you think you are, when suddenly, oh shit, you're half blind. Half of your eyesight literally just fell out onto the road. Do not panic, or maybe do. Whatever you see as the best course of action to take.
5) The Staff In Specsavers Harassing You
You choose Specsavers because it's the cheapest option out there. Then, one Tuesday morning you go in for a routine eye test and leave with a five year supply of lenses, four pairs of glasses, three different eye drops and a sense of having just been hustled. Those bitches.
6) Being So Blind Your Glasses Are Two Inches Thick
If your eyesight requires a lot of help, then you'll be aware that not getting your glasses thinned out results in you resembling a cat looking through a jam jar. Always choose the thinning option.
7) Wearing Glasses In The Rain
Remember when Harry Potter was momentarily blinded by the rain during a Quiddich match and Hermione cast a type of 'windscreen wiper' spell on his glasses? Yeah, if you'd like to do that to us too, we'd really appreciate it, cheers Hermione.
8) People Trying On Your Glasses
"Oh can I try on your glasses?" "Ammmmmmmmm no?" "Kay thanks!"...Yes, work right away there, stretch them out as far as you possibly can, sound one.
9) And Then Commenting On How Blind You Are
After said dickhead has finished stretching the shit out of your viewing apparatus, they usually feel the need to comment on how blind you are, as if they were somehow expecting you to have twenty twenty vision and they're now just feeling a little let down, to be honest.
10) People Asking If You'd Consider Laser Eye Surgery
You're asking me if I've considered lying awake while someone cuts into my eyeball. It's not really a simple, off the cuff choice. Plus, there's the horrendous amount of money it costs. So, no.
11) People Testing Your Eyes For The Lols
"Hey, many fingers am I holding up?" "Can you read that sign over there?" "How blind ARE you?" Can you actually just take your twenty twenty vision and fuck of now PLEASE?
12) Running Out Of Contacts
There's nothing better then discovering contact lenses after a lifetime of being glasses bound. Suddenly, you're discovering a whole new look. Sometimes you'll even forget that you're somewhat partially sighted, oh what a joyous feeling! Until your supply runs out and it's back to the four eyed look once more.
13) The Fear Of Your Sight Having Worsened Before Every Eye Test
I practically get palpitations before an eye test. How many more numbers can I go down? We sneakily live in the false hope that one day we're going to awake with a clear view of the world.
14) Knowing That If You Ever Reproduce You're Going To Have Bat Children
Genetically, there's no way anything I produce would be perfect, sight wise or anything wise, for that matter. Unless I reproduce with a hawk and let's face it, that's pretty unlikely.