St Patricks Day, a day when you can puke on the street and people will applaud you. A day when you can get as day drunk as you want and there's no judgement. A day when you get a day off college - yaaaaaas. Basically, a day when you're very proud to be Irish. As great as Paddy's day is, it never really goes to plan, does it?
1. The Outfit.
Expectations: "I'm not into the whole 'dressing up' thing on Paddy's day. If someone tries to pinch me for not wearing green, I'll knock them out. I think it's embarrassing that people dress up as leprechauns, way to conform to an Irish stereotype lads. I'm going to wear a cool all-black outfit because honestly, I'm too cool for Paddy's day."
Reality: You start off looking cool and not at all "leprechaun-y." But as the day drags on, and the pints supply seems endless... You somehow acquire some shamrock shaped glasses. And in no time at all, you've somehow gotten an orange wig on. Cue the shamrock face paint, the green leprechaun coat, the Irish flag you wear as a skirt, and the temporary green tattoos you somehow have all over your arms. #PUREIRISHNESS
2. The Parade.
Expectations: You get in early enough to see the whole parade. You experience all of the culture that Ireland has to offer. A small tear trickles down your face in a moment where you're overwhelmed with love for your country. You get much too into the national anthem and suddenly you're so Irish that you get called upon by the President to make a speech about our freedom. "Sinne Fianna Fáil, atá faoi gheall ag Éirinn........"
Reality: You get stuck drinking Guinness in the pub and end up missing the entire parade. Ah well. Bet it wasn't that great anyways.
3. The Level of Drunkenness
Expectations: Ok, it's Paddy's Day. I know I amn't going to be sober. But I am NOT getting black out drunk this year. I'm gonna let my freak flag fly, but I'mma be responsible. A glass of water between pints? Yes pls. A round of tequila? No thank you friend. I don't want to mix my drinks because I'm a responsible adult who makes good choices. At the end of the night I'll be drunk, but I'll be a classy type of drunk.
Reality: A glass of water between pints? Fuck off nerd. A round of tequila? YES AND WHY DON'T I BUY THEM ALL BECAUSE IT'S PADDY'S DAY AND I LOVE EVERYONE. One minute you're in the pub downing any shot that happens to be green, then suddenly you're on one of the parade floats, then you're puking near a group of innocent children, then you're in Temple Bar busking for change for the bus. Of course you miss the bus and spend the night eating Supermacs (that you dropped on the floor earlier) on the ground of some dangerous alley. But it's OK because you don't remember any of it the next day. Did it even happen?
4. The Paddy's Day Kiss
Expectations: You see him from across the parade, he's not dressed as a leprechaun and he's looking like George Clooney to you. (At least he is when you have your beer/cider/vodka goggles on) But suddenly, he's gone and you think he's lost forever. Until later on in Temple Bar when he's in the same pub as you. How crazy, in such a big city, to find him again. You kiss passionately and thank St. Patrick for this wondrous gift.
Reality: You look around in the pub and notice that everyone is in couples. You're much too drunk to act like the independent woman that you are. So, you grab the first man that you see is alone and you kiss him with so much vigour that you both fall on the ground and smash heads. Two minutes and two concussions later, his wife returns from the bathroom and you have a lot of explaining to do. But, of course you do the smart thing and run away as fast as you can.
5. The Crowds
Expectations: It will be a little busier than usual, but you'll get a seat on the bus, and a seat in the pub, and you'll definitely be able to walk through the street without getting trampled on by a million leprechaun feet. "I love when the city is busy anyways." You say.
Reality: You have to wait outside in the cold for an hour because the buses are so full. Never mind getting a seat in the pub, you probably won't even get in the door of the pub. The streets are so busy that you end up taking a breather in a Chinese takeaway just to get out of the madness. (Obviously while you're there you get a spice bag.) While in the Chinese a little boy, around 10 years old, comes up to the window and shouts 'screw you' at you and puts up the middle finger. You're so mad about how crowded town is that you suddenly put up your two middle fingers to him and shout "GO AWAY YOU LITTLE SHIT." His parents come up behind him and give you a disappointed look. An elderly woman is sitting next to you in the Chinese and she mutters something about how everything has gone downhill with your generation... None of this would've happened if you had gotten a seat on the bus. F U Paddy's Day.
Video: Pros and Cons: Celebrating St. Patrick's Day