Regrettably, I’ve had my fair share of Tinder dates. Some were terrible, some were great, but most were just downright average. By comparing my stories with those of my single friends over the years, I’ve come to have a pretty good understanding of the essence of the Tinder date.
Get ready for disappointment, awkward silences and drinking your own body weight in wine. Ahhh, single life.
1. It’s Thursday, and you suddenly realise that you have no plans for Friday night.
All of your single friends are busy, and your couple-y friends are off doing whatever the hell it is that couples do ALL THE TIME.
2. You start obsessively swiping, to the point where your thumb actually starts to ache.
You'll take anything at this stage, the glorious sound of a match is like a drug to you.
3. You finally match with someone half decent.
a) He appears to be over 6'
b) Can use grammar correctly
c) Appreciated your joke about Donald Trump
4. You arrange to meet at a bar nearby.
At which point you begin the online stalking, because you need to triple check they’re not a murderer/ rapist/ Trump sympathiser. A linked Instagram or a mutual friend comes in very handy here.
5. You begin to worry that they’ll be shorter than you.
You try and find photos where they are standing next to a celebrity whose height you can Google. Madam Tussauds, I applaud you.
6. You walk into the bar.
And search for the awkward looking guy who is almost always looking at his phone.
7. As you walk up to him, you realise with a sinking feeling that he’s definitely shorter than you.
He is also wearing a beanie. You start to try and remember the photos, was there hair in any of them?!
8. You begin to drink, a lot.
Wine. Wine makes everything funnier.
9. You start to worry that the people around you know you’re on a Tinder date.
So you try and steer the conversation away from boring small talk.
10. You decide you need to seem more interesting.
So you begin to start drunkenly rambling about the trip to Australia you’ve been meaning to go on for the last five years.
11. He responds by telling you about his gap yah and how he really, like, found himself.
Brilliant, you keep talking, I'll keep drinking.
12. Your eyes start to glaze over
And you start daydreaming about the leftover pizza you have in the fridge at home.
13. You sense he wants to come back to yours
But you’re just too scared to discover what’s lurking under that hat.
14. So you shake him off with some excuse about work in the morning...
Even though it’s a Friday and he knows you work in an office.
15. He leans in to kiss you goodbye
And there’s that awkward cheek/face smush.
16. You go home and devour the pizza
Because Tinder dates never contain food.
17. You never speak again.
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