"Would sir like to take a seat beside the pond"
"Oooh, a pond? How very fancy, yes please."
"Excellent, waiter, take this man to be seated beside the pond of human excrement."
Never has the use of the word 'pond' been as contentious than in the Food Safety Authority of Ireland's latest issued statement on their recent restaurant closure orders. They described how Saffron, an Indian takeaway and restaurant in Donegal, was forced to temporarily close after an overflowing manhole resulted in a pool of human excrement forming on their premises beside a shed where instruments for the preparation of food were kept.
The report describes how employees would prepare potatoes at a food preparation area while standing in the pond of miscellaneous turds and were thereby carrying the excrement back into the premises on their shoes.
A 'pond'. A 'pond of human excrement'. Ponds contain lillies, they contain luxuriously placed reeds around their banks; they are what Donald Trump empties dangerous amounts of koi carp food into; they do are not, and should never, be composed entirely of turds.
Now, for most health and safety inspectors, I imagine this would be enough for them to slap a hastily scrawled bit of paper down on the table reading 'stop this charade of turd-dispensary right now', but this restaurant, to truly cover their bases and guarantee against any particularly cavalier, or excrement-fond inspector gracing their premises and permitting them to continue trading, also left "dirt, mould and encrusted food" throughout the premises as well as keeping some delicious black mould in their food storage containers. The food closure notice was however eventually lifted on October 27.
Three other food establishments were issued temporary closure notices for October;
- Chick Chicken, Cóbh, Cork
- Beijing Taste City, Cork
- New York Pizza, Ballina, Tipperary
All of the closure issues have since been resolved and the four premises have resumed business.